Nothing to Crow About

Take Good Care Of Your Wife

2008-06-03T02:02:00.003+08:00

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Last Sunday, I was sitting on my deckchair, drinking a beer and watching my wife mowing the lawn.

Cherie, my ‘sei paat por’ neighbour saw us and was so 9 upset that she came over and tiu 9 me. “You lazy bastard!! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that blardy ancient lawn mower around. Get off your arse and give her a break lah.” She yelled.

I thought; “Niamah..sei paat por” and took another swig from my can , licked the froth from my lips, belch loudly, stared directly at this nosey bitch and said; “Piss off and mind your own husband lah. My wife has green fingers wat…she enjoys gardening wat…kenot meh? Tiu!”

After a few days, I felt really bad so I went out and picked up a really good deal on a ‘ride-on mower’ which I bought her…just to show how much I larp her. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my 'loe por' can now sit down while mowing the lawn.

Yes, guys. Afterall, we should really take good care of our missus….that way, they’ll take good care of us.

I have attached a picture below…

I do worry though that maybe I’m getting too soft on her, and next thing she’ll be demanding for 10-speed gear on it!

Wordless Wednesday....Beautiful Nike Shoes

2008-05-28T01:17:00.002+08:00

Weekend Cheers...Election Day

2008-05-23T00:36:00.004+08:00

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One fine day on the way home from a car show, Ah Beng asked his father….

Ah Beng: “Deddi, deddi what is election?”

Father: “Well son, it seems like you are still caught up with the election that happened 2 months ago. Although you may be too young to understand it fully, I’ll try my best to explain.”

Ah Beng: “Err…ok”

Father: “Election is democratic process held every 4 years to select the rakyat’s representatives to hold office and represent them in parliament.”

*Ah Beng looking blurred puzzled*

Ah Beng: “I can get elected?”

Father: “Of course not. Not now anyway. You’ll need to study very hard and serve the community before you are eligible”

Ah Beng: “But I oredi got elected jor”

Father: “In your Boys Scout movement? Well done my son!”

Ah Beng: “No, no… not in the scouts. Just now in the car show”

Father: “huh?

Ah Beng: “Just now the lenglui jie jie peluk-peluk me my kukujiao elected jor….”

Weekend cheers...Hetch Pee tack sapot!

2008-05-10T15:32:00.002+08:00

Ah Beng: “Wei? Hetch-Pee tack sappot ah?“

HP: “Good afternoon, sir. Yes, this is tech support and how may I help?”

Ah Beng: “My plinter no working”

HP: “What’s wrong with it?”

Ah Beng: “Mouse jammed jor”

HP: “Err...the USB cable of the mouse should be connected to your computer's USB slot and not to the printer.”

Ah Beng: “Aiyah!! Mouse jammed jor lah!!”

HP: “How is that related to the printer?”

Ah Beng: “Wait! Wait…I take peetchure and e-meow you”

My First Humsap Magazine

2008-05-02T16:53:00.005+08:00

Back in the 70s, buying 2^nd hand porn mags from mamak newsagents was one of the scariest things a young man had to go through. These days you internet-generation kids will never understand because you just have to download it. Back then it had to be precision planned, and executed to perfection.

When I was about 14, I grew tired of borrowing porn mag doing the rounds at school to finally reach me, and when it did, half the pages would be missing, and I didn't even want to think about all the gooey spermy fingerprints and pages stuck in between. Ewwww!! I always wanted my very own collection and didn't want to give it to anyone else afterwards. Here I would like to relate my very own experience the process of buying porn from a 2^nd hand bookstore dealer:

GETTING SERVED:
It all started when I was visiting my cousins in Penang. I was a big lad, so acting like a 16-17 yr old was a good chance of getting served, but it was still a gamble. Speaking the street slang would’ve enhanced my chances to sound like a veteran. These techniques apply equally well to the purchase of ciggies and alcohol when one is under the legal purchasing age.

“Dey Mamak! Ada BAGUS mia magazine kah? Neh..itu lu simpan bawah lantai mia”

Yes, those days, to avoid raids by the authorities, mamak newsagents kept them under the wooden floor planks.

CHOICE OF MAMAK NEWSAGENT:
Perhaps this is the toughest choice in the operation. Familiar stores in the neighbourhood were out of the question for two main reasons: the storekeeper would probably know my uncle, the Ayer Itam’s Dam chief warden back then, or knowing him, he could have already sapu all the latest issues of Playboys & Penthouse. Hahaahhaha!!

Dodgy small corner-shop newsagents in the next neighbourhood were by far the better choice. They had a much wider selection of magazines and smaller customer traffic. So which shop to choose? Choose the one you couldn't be recognised, but within cycling distance. Don’t compromise on this due to sheer laziness, I tell you!

Neighbourhood kaypohs, your yi mah gu chehs can be a big problem. Often a complete stranger would stop me in the streets of Ayer Itam to say, "Hey, you're Cocka! I know your mum, aunt and uncle! I can see the family resemblance." Then the next day my aunt would say in hakka, "Oooh, so-and-so the sum gu loke por said she saw you wor..." As you can imagine, my paranoia over these kaypohs that threatened to destroy the entire operation. They could be anyone. They would know me and I would be completely unaware. Therefore, the mamak newsagent got to be completely empty of customers when I made my purchase.

RECCE AND TEST-RUNS:
First, visit the mamak newsagent several times and pretend to purchase other items, such as sweets or newspaper. This was valuable for checking out the following factors:

1.The layout of the shop where you could hide in a corner and take your sweet time to make your selection;

2. a quick assessment of the friendliness of the mamak; this is vital if you’re to befriend him to reserve the latest issues for you.

3. Customer traffic at different times of day, how often the shop is empty of customers.

MAMAK OR TANGKACHI AT THE COUNTER?
Obviously I would ABORT the operation if for some reasons the mamak has to tend to errands and left his wife or daughter to jaga the shop. Malu mah….

ACTION PLAN:
I would cycle to the newsagent on a weekday, around 3pm was the best timeslot, when everyone else is back at work after their lunch break. I would cruise past the mamak newsagent several times until a perfect timing when the shop is empty and no other customers are approaching. Then, I would park and lock my bicycle which was borrowed from my cousin, and walk in to greet the mamak. If any complications arise, press ABORT button. If it's tangkachi behind the counter, press ABORT button. If another customer enters, press ABORT button.

TRANSPORTATION OF MERCHANDISE:
After making your selection and paying, the mamak would usually wrap it in old newspapers, hence, drawing even greater attention to the mystery package.

I chose instead to bring my own bag. This comes handy for bulk purchases too. Besides, imagine what my aunt is going to ask if I went home with magazines wrapped in newspaper and rushing upstairs to my room to avoid detection. So obvious, right?

SURMOUNTING MY FEAR:
Fear is a terrible thing of the mind. It threatened to destroy all my efforts. Fear was the cause of several aborted attempts. I had to convince myself that my fear was illogical.

I challenged myself with several logical arguments:
"The mamak newsagent wants to sell you porn. That's why they have it for sale. Why would they make you feel uncomfortable about buying it and admiring women’s anatomy? These are beautiful creation of the Maker and tastefully captured on camera. These small mamak businesses need to sell porn to stay afloat, to feed their families and my patronage helps alleviate their livelihood. And hey, everyone has sexual needs and I’m only normal.”

CONCLUSION:
It got easier as time went by. I also became a pro when negotiating for best purchase prices and resale values. Thanks to my cousins, I even got access to my uncle’s hidden cache of past issues, special edition etc. Over the years, I only kept those collectors’s edition featuring celebrities like Madonna, Princess Fergie and the Australian women soccer team . Thank God for the internet that these teenage adventures are now made redundant although it’s still applicable to the purchase of humsap DVDs.

Enjoy the song. I’m certain that most of you humsap lous can identify with the chorus. Hahahaa!!

Dear Penthouse: By Rodney Carrington

Dear Penthouse: I’m a freshman at a small Midwestern university
And I never thought something like this could happen to me
When my teacher with the dynamite ass,
asked me to stay after class
And she started to undress
I can’t forget the statement she made
If you drop your pants I’ll raise your grade

(Girl) Dear Penthouse: I never thought those letters were really true until
I was on a fishing trip and I met a girl named Jill
We had a little too much to drink
I couldn’t believe what I was starting to think
So we headed to her tent, there’s nothing like eating out
Though the next morning my breath still smelt like trout

Chorus:
Read every issue since 1974
The first two years behind the bathroom door
I poured through every Penthouse I could find
Even though my mom said I’d go blind

Dear Penthouse: I’m a seaman first class at an overseas naval base
It’s been seven long months since I’ve seen a woman’s face
When I saw your recent issue,
I took a box of Kleenex tissue
And I locked the barracks door
Thanks to you I’ve gotten a grip,
please excuse my jerky penmanship

Chorus

Dear Penthouse: Doing sports on the radio has always been my job
I’ve never wanted a man until I noticed BOB
When we’re close I start to perspire
His little buns set my loins on fire
And I dream about the day he’ll say, “Chick” lets get undressed
Name and address were held upon request

Dedicated to Suituapui

2008-04-24T00:41:00.001+08:00

PERKS OF BEING OVER 60 or, if you're not over 60, this is what you have to look forward to .

1 . Kidnappers are not very interested in you .
2 . In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first .
3 . No one expects you to run--anywhere .
4 . People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you???"
5 . People no longer view you as a hypochondriac .
6 . There is nothing left to learn the hard way .
7 . Things you buy now won't wear out .
8 . You can eat dinner at 4 PM .
9 . You can live without sex but not your glasses .
10 . You get into heated arguments about pension plans .
11 . You no longer think of speed limits as challenge .
12 . You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room .
13 . You sing along with elevator music .
14 . Your eyes won't get much worse .
15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off
16 . Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service .
17 . Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either .
18 . Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size .
19 . You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience

Traffic Question

2008-04-16T01:51:00.005+08:00

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Traffic Question

Most men will get this right!

Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:

(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or

(b) Do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice? Scroll down ............

A: Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?

Wine vs Water

2008-04-01T01:21:00.002+08:00

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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Thursday cheers...Another Of Einstein's Theories

2008-03-27T01:53:00.015+08:00

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Einstein's was born March 14, 1879. He would be 128 if he were alive today.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as…. Cheng cheng cheng cheng!!!!
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Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty"

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my other warped friends and then post it here.

Good Friday Cheers

2008-03-21T02:00:00.006+08:00

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest Spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

'I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true Father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

Post Election Talk Cock- My Rocket is Better Than Yours!

2008-03-16T01:47:00.002+08:00

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If you’ve been missing me lately, that’s because I was out partying the whole week after watching BN reeled from last Saturday’s bloodbath.

Yep, Cocka voted for fellow blogger in PJ Utara together with thousands of 'like-minded, rational, impartial citizens' and booted out the ‘Fried Meehoon’ (Chow Mai Fun) by a whopping 19,900 plus majority!

On another note, this ‘lansi, poster boy’ took a swipe at the Rocketeers while on one of his rally rounds with Bodowi prior to the elections by saying; “BN rocket has lifted off, but we have yet to see DAP’s rocket fly” … something to that effect.

Cocka’s Tiu….Listen here you belacan-breath, gasing-spinning, swell-headed, wet behind the ears, fit-for-Colgate-advertisement-smile, typical UMNO-ego kaki-bodek!

Don’t think it’s a farking big deal going to space because first, Malaysia did not develop that rocket you flew in. It’s the ruskies’!

Second, it’s farking taxpayers money that made your space travel possible and that means taxpayers from all walks…including those from the opposition camps. Dig?
The money could have gone to the poverty eradication program!

Anyway, with the poll results, it looks like YOUR rocket is the one that won’t be flying for a long long time!

Here’s a dedication to the Rocketeers!

Well done, lads! Cheers!

Election Talk Cock...Part II

2008-03-04T01:46:00.004+08:00

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These few days, one could never miss the BN's war cry aired over and over on national TV...

“We are on the right track. Let’s keep moving forward”

Cocka's take: Really? Are we?

I rest my case.

Election Talk Cock...

2008-02-26T01:08:00.003+08:00

Since election is round the corner, Cocka also kena election fever liao.
So this post, Cocka is gonna hentam one Toyol guy claiming that Selangor can be compared with Kiasuland in terms of development, economy & quality of life.

MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!.............What a joke!

He said the ONLY things that Selangor is lagging behind were public transport, IT facilities and urban services.

Really? Are those the only areas? Pegi dah! I can write a book on this you know?

Hello? Aren’t you forgetting about safety too? Kiasuland hardly hear of snatch thieves, car-hijackers, Mat Rempits which we seem to be churning out more rapidly than anywhere else. Crime rates have skyrocketed over the last 4 years!

Their cops are squeaky clean while ours are still rotten to the core. Frankly, these days one can’t tell the robber from the copper.

Comparing Changi with KLIA?

Hello? People are still getting lost in KLIA. The farking signs are still very misleading.
Some international carriers are deliberately avoiding KL and landing in Bangkok or Singapore thanks to your exorbitant landing charges.

He added that both Selangor & Kiasuland have about 2 million foreign populations.
Oi! Kiasuland’s 2 million foreign populations comprises of professionals and skilled labour lah.
Selangor mya foreigner populations are made up of mostly of illegal Indons, Banglas, Nepalis, How to compare?

Toyol said that the state gomen will be putting in more effort into improving the service industry.

Cocka’s advice: Yeah, you can start with the banks. Kiasuland banks counters are fully manned during lunch time.
Ours? Lunch time only 1-2 counters open and all tellers go for lunch. And you are talking about being a financial hub? Chettiars' hub also kenot lah.

Here are 2 funny fellas with some election hits. Yep, Allan and Indy just love poking fun at the Bodowi administration..

Look, they even poke fun at our favourite karaoke song….

The Greatest Love Of All...

2008-02-14T02:16:00.010+08:00

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To me, the greatest love of all this season is not measured by the bouquets of roses or the glitter on that diamond ring.

Its made of twigs, straws and dried leaves.....painstakingly weaved into a cosy home for his mate & offsprings.

flutter , flutter, weave weave weave .....

This incredibly amazing ‘labour of love’ started 4 days before the lunar new year outside my window.

He busied himself tirelessly, chirping cheerfully, shuttling to & fro gathering all the construction material as his impressed pregnant mate watched from a nearby perch.

Occasionally, there would be a gang of rowdy mynahs cackling loudly reminding the little fella of his intrusive flight path. This is where I play God and exercise divine intervention using my broom to scare them away.

Alas, today the nest is finally completed and her mate moved in.
This must be the best Valentine’s Day gift for her.

For those of you unattached tonight and no where to go …the 'love nests' in Chowkit are open til 12 midnight.

Enjoy the song....

Hahahahha!!!

Happy Valentine’s Day all!

Tahun Baru Main Judi...

2008-02-09T15:24:00.000+08:00

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Yesterday Suitapui sent me a SMS;

“Hali busat sudah mali,
Beli nimau satu loli,
Satu tawun satu kali,
Wa mikin silap, wa veli soli
Itu ampau sini mali”

Cocka replied ;

Ini tawun, manyak kes-kes terjadi
Lori sama nimau kena hijack oleh mangkali
Sikalang lady luck pun tarak teman gua judi
Nampaknya angpow kena tunggu 1 tawun lagi

Gua pegi jamban tangan mesti ada cuci
Kalau tidak nanti mahjong tiles bau tahi
Gua memang shiok tengok amoi mya red undies,
Tapi mana tahu satu ah moi tarak pakai hali ini
Bilang undies merah dia sudah kasi cuci
Gua pun tersilap nampak dia mya puki

Gua pun tarak pannai main gin rummy
Sebab distracted oleh amoi pakai skirt-skirt mini
Bila mereka duduk, sengaja lipat-lipat kaki
maciam itu ‘Basic Instinct’ mya movie

Ahhh! mungkin masih ada satu cara judi lagi
Gua lipat kertas lambor 0-9 ke dalam tin besi
serta goncang itu lambor bila amoi buka kaki
Sudah dapat lambor , gua terus pegi beli 4-D

Kung Hei Fatt Choy!!!

2008-02-06T02:14:00.001+08:00

Cocka wishes all you humsap, sampat, ting-tong, sot-sot tey, hiao hiao tey readers a Happy & Prosperous Year of the Rat!

As with all Chinese new years, the auspicious colour is red…so 4-D punters, mahjong kakis, gamblers etc, make sure you have your red undies on, yeah!

This year, the corset is back…thanks to CSL’s personal friend, so make sure you get one too. With all that binding and squeezing, even a hippo would look sexy, trust me!

For those of you, who find it hard to get your red undies from your usual outlet because of your odd sizes, (Suituapui are you reading this?)

try the Reject Shop. LOL

Back to the pineapple tarts…

We miss you...

2008-01-28T19:53:00.000+08:00

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You were an angel sent from above...
You’ve touched the lives of those around you and delighted them with your wit & infectious laughter...

You were always generous with your hugs and kisses...
You brought so much joy to your parents and those who know you all these 6 years...
You were an inspiration to them who tended to you because you responded to treatment...

Why didn’t you fight on?

You filled our hearts with unspeakable sorrow, anguish and a deep sense of loss that day...
We were angry at those who said that you will heal; at those who assured us over and over again that your chances are good.

Why did you give up?

But if that is your choice, go on Lil’ Sophie…. go to grandma
She’ll take good care of you for now

Goodbye Lil' Sophie...
Unker Cocka & your parents will miss you very much.

Suatu petang Di Jalan Gasing….

2008-01-25T01:34:00.000+08:00

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Cocka : Amah, where are you waiting?
Amah: I’m waiting beside the Assunta school.

Cocka: Are you the one dressed up like a naughty little school girl? *drools*

Amah: Lei jau siong la!!!

We proceeded to a residential house for our sumptuous dinner…

We bloggers are so 9 femes that even ah por wants to snap our pics with her kick-ass camera!

Dinner started without her, as she was still trying to prove that by driving against the flow of traffic would be faster…

Hello! Only Winnie can do that, ok!

The two lovebirds whacked all the carrots on the poon choy…

Why? Got scientific proof that carrots possess aphrodisiac properties meh?
Hmmm…maybe hor! Like the saying goes; “Breed like rabbits” or was it “Bang like rabbits”? Hahaha!! No lah, Just kidding! His face got so many pimples is proof enough that he didnt release wan. ROTFLMAO!!!

Amah went on to entertain us with her apoh story….

And her phone rang with hiao-hiao melody….

We were hoping that she’ll pull a couple of Rose Chan’s gyrating moves, but unfortunately…

She finally arrived, worn and haggard…fuming and cussing all the way to the toilet where she spent another 20 minutes pee-ing.

After dinner we adjourned to Damansara Utama for coffee…but for some reasons Amah got damn blur and went to the outlet in section 14 instead. Hahahha!

Angeles finally saved enough stickers to claim 75% of her diary while yours truly owns 25%....(as with everything else on her.)

More jokes and history lessons from her…
Nope, Christopher Columbus did NOT discover America! *Gasp* Amah has the details.

She also told us how bananas got their names… Kakakakakaka!!!

Verdict on the evening:
Cocka: "So did you have a good time or what?"

Ehon: “You KL bloggers damn happening lah. Ya really enjoyed myself. Pssst! Kuching bloggers hor, damn boring wan”

Niamah Fulat!!

2008-01-20T01:39:00.000+08:00

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Ah Nel...thanks for the 'Miss A Bit' YouTube video....it couldn't have come at a more appropriate time.

MCH! KNN! Tim kai??? tim kai ah????? *tearing hair*

Lin-Cocka-Wingz Farkkaoty of Communication

2008-01-18T02:10:00.000+08:00

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Kata-kata aluan dari Pengarah Lin-Cocka-Wingz University of fine Yamade.

Ladies & gentlemen,

Once again, I’m proud to announce that our university of fine yamade recognizes the rapid growth in the world of vulgar communication increases the ‘bonds of brotherhood’, eliminating international conflicts and enhances human relations through the art of fine ‘tiu-ing’. No matter how terror one's talents are in a given field, the inability to ‘tiu’ properly & effectively will jeopardise one’s chances of building relationships especially with the Hongkies or canto speaking community. Realising the importance of vulgar communication as an essential component of individual success, this programme prepares students to meet the challenges of day-to-day ability to ‘tiu here, tiu there’ without reservations.

Professional ‘tiu-ing’ communication is also designed to enhance communication skills and techniques in preparation for employment in hawker centres, Petaling Street vendors, pasar malams, wet markets, construction sites or even preparation for further education in the field of profanities. The programme provides students with theoretical as well as practical knowledge of professional communication.

Entry requirements

Must be able to speak Cantonese
Priorities given to Ah Bengs & Ah Lians with spiky ‘dragonball’ hairstyle or blonde hair with contrasting black eyebrows with terror names like Apple Kok, Fish Leong, Rolex Tan, Dion Wong, Rain Tee or any other unpronounceable fanciful names.
Ability to regurgitate phlegm disgusting loud and spit more than 5 ft away would be an added advantage.

I now present to you our visiting lecturer….Professor Danny Wong.

And The Winner Is......

2008-01-14T00:15:00.000+08:00

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It was certainly great to see so many good entries and I must say that it was quite a task to pick out the winning entry.

But, there can only be one winner, (unless he/she wants to invite you to lunch) and it shall goes to the entry that made me laugh the most.

Ladies, Gentlemen, humsap participants and readers, may I announce the winner of this contest goes to Suitapui!!!!

Yes, the judges that include representatives from the health ministry has unanimously voted your entry the best!

(Note to other readers: Looks like he won't be inviting anyone else to lunch with him coz he alone can whack 2 portions wan. They don't call him tuapui for nothing! LOL)

Suitapui, please send your forwarding address to doodle.cocka@gmail.com so that I can mail the voucher to you. Congratulations and well done!

To those of you who didn't win, thank you for taking part and do watch out for future competitions that I'll be hosting from time to time.

Cheers!

Lucky Wednesday.

2008-01-09T00:19:00.000+08:00

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....and here's a final word from our former health minister.... (click below)

Since Cocka is still in a festive mood, I thought why not hold a competition to gauge my readers' creativity?
Send in your funniest caption on the above picture and stand a chance to win a set lunch voucher for 2 persons at The Prego, Westin Kuala Lumpur.

Final 2007 Tag....The Letter 'C'

2007-12-31T02:13:00.000+08:00

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This itchy backside doctor decided that I should kena 1 more tag before the year is up. She’s gonna kena injection from me when I see her next time.

1. Famous (Humsap) Singer: My favourite humsap singer that starts with ‘C’ at this moment is Mr. Carrington. Yep, Zewt! We love this guy, don’t we? This one is dedicated to you. LOL

2. Four Letter Word: C*nt

3. Street: Chowkit..where you’ll find lots of c*nts in all shapes and sizes.

4. Colour: Yeah, they come in different colours too!

5. Gifts/Present: Sure, as soon as you learn to gift wrap it, I’m sure c*nts make pretty cool gifts.

6. Vehicle: Cub-cai. I was an ex-Mat rempit mah…..sure got sentimental attachment wan.

7. Things in Souvenir Shop: Canine (Same answer as Lokter's but my dog looks tastier)

8. Man's Name: Charles…some says he looks like a horse.

9. Woman's Name: Camilla. Cocka says she looks like a horse’s arse.

10. Movie title: Carmen Elektra’s Aerobic Striptease- Platinum Edition

11. Drink: Campari & 7Up.

12. Occupation: Char guat piaomeis from Thailand.

13. Celebrity: Carmen Luvana. Yes, I’m very sure she’s a celebrity. She acts in porn wan. Don’t believe me visit here http://www.clubcarmen.com

14. Magazine: Club

15. U.S. City: Ermm...US is Ulu Selangor? Declared city status already meh?

16. Pro Sports: Chasing after cars. This one is Alex Yoong’s favourite sport also. Hahahahaha!!!

17. Fruit: Cherry...wild ones some more.

18. Reason for Being Late to work: Cherry popping all night!

19. Something you throw away: Cherry stalk…after you’ve eaten the fruit.

20. Something you shout: Char koay teow….Curry perng….chai tao kueh!! Check out this song. Sure makes him & her homesick. LOL

21. Cartoon Character: Calvin & Hobbes….my favorite

Who to Tag? Charles and Camilla lor.

Cocka like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a Happy & Prosperous 2008!!

2007-12-24T00:39:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas to all my friends and loyal readers! 4 days ago on Dec 20^th , marks the 2^nd anniversary of Nothing To Crow About. Thank you for the friendship and the inspiration! I love you all!

Sorry for not updating or dropping by your blogs as frequent as I would like to. This is due to my super busy schedule lately and it looks like it’ll stretch til June. Tiu lor!

This festive season, I can’t help but remember a Scottish friend whose only son is serving with the Argyll & Sutherland Highlanders Regiment. Being posted to Afghanistan after graduating from Sandhurst, her mum confides how it makes her shudder from the constant reminders on the news channel of those mindless attacks on British troops there. I assured her that they are there for a cause and a great part of that is to keep in check those extremists who would not like to see the rest of us in the free world keeping our way of life…our freedom to worship or our right to choose the religion of our choice. They are there so that we can continue to live. I pray for his safe return.

Someone forwarded this poem, and I guess this is the most appropriate time to post it in honour of them.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
HE LIVED ALL ALONE
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE
NO TINSEL NO PRESENTS NOT EVEN A TREE
NO STOCKING BY THE MANTLE JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES AWARDS OF ALL KINDS
A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT IT WAS DARK AND DREARY
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING SILENT ALONE
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER
NOT HOW I PICTURED A LONE BRITISH SOLDIER
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO THE FLOOR FOR A BED

I REALISED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT
SOON ROUND THE WORLD THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY

THEY ALL ENJOY FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY ALONE
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME

THE VERY THOUGH BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE
'SANTA DON'T CRY THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM I DON'T ASK FOR MORE
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY. MY CORPS'

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT I CONTINUED TO WEEP

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SAT AND SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHTS CHILL
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD DARK NIGHT
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOUR SO WILLING TO FIGHT

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE
WHISPERED 'CARRY ON SANTA ITS CHRISTMAS DAY ALL IS SECURE'
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT
'MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT'

Note: THIS POEM WAS WRITTEN BY A PEACE KEEPING SOLDIER STATIONED OVERSEAS
THE FOLLOWING IS HIS REQUEST I THINK IT IS REASONABLE.

PLEASE WOULD YOU DO ME THE KIND FAVOUR OF SENDING THIS TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN CHRISTMAS WILL BE COMING SOON AND SOME CREDIT IS DUE TO OUR BRITISH SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN FOR OUR BEING ABLE TO CELEBRATE THESE FESTIVITIES.

LET’S TRY IN THIS SMALL WAY TO PAY A TINY BIT BACK OF WHAT WE OWE!

What? That obviously didn’t sound like Cocka hor? So 9 serious. Ok, ok! I’ll throw in a few Christmas songs to liven up things, yeah!

To me the true meaning of Christmas is reflected in this song…..

Time to Wreck The Malls….

Chicky icky icky

Humsap Christmas Medley…..

Enjoy the songs and have a good holiday season, everyone! Cheers!

P/S: My tree leng mou?

T'was The Night Before Christmas....

2007-12-22T22:19:00.000+08:00

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T'was the night before Christmas.....

.....Santa went berserk.....

He couldn't take it anymore.......grabbed his gun and ammo.......

....strung and shot his reindeers......

.....................spanked the good kids and spare the naughty ones.....

got pissed as usual.........

shit on your chimney......

flashed at your grandma and made her real horny.....

We have no choice but to call in the SWAT team....

....so kids, there won't be a Christmas this season!

Too bad! Muaho ho ho! Enjoy the song.....

Wordless Wednesday

2007-12-05T11:15:00.000+08:00

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Burp!!!!!..............

LB's EFNTD's Tag

2007-11-19T18:53:00.000+08:00

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Unker LB tagged 9 me on this weeks ago, but sorry I had to take my time because hou 9 busy these days. Anyway, here goes...

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night?
Ans: Nutzri….after watching him and Kailee being featured on the Al-Jazeera interview.
How the fark did he become a minister really baffles me. Geez!

2. What were you doing at 0800?
Ans: Having a date with Jao Kung, the deity of sleeps.

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Ans: Searching for a video for Laundry Ah Jai’s sex education. Finally found it. Come Kieran…unker teach you the ‘birds & the bees’.

4. What happened to you in 2006?
Ans: Met some nice and not-so-nice bloggers

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?
Ans: “Fark lah! Your signal lights for farking decoration is it?” …Yelling at a motorist.

6. How many beverages did you have today?
Ans: 'Beverage' means beavers of all ages ah? Oooh! I love to have as many as possible, but the tagger can help himself to the stale ones. Hahaha!

7. What colour is your hairbrush?
Ans: Black…wait! It used to be orange but I’ve not washed it for some time liao. *grin*

8. What was the last thing you paid for?
Ans: Services of Ah Kiew jie. See answer 9

9. Where were you last night?
Ans: Rumah Reflexology and Urut Kiew-Kiew

10. What colour is your front door?
Ans: Brown….wait! got black footprints also.

11. Where do you keep your change?
Ans: Ah Kiew jie no give me back my change. She said for her tips wor.

12. What’s the weather like today?
Ans: Ask those tall people lah. At least they’ll know it’s raining before I do.

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavour?
Ans: Give me yam flavour anytime!

14. What excites you?
Ans: Toe sucking... See? I’m easily excitable.

15. Do you want to cut your hair?
Ans: Last night by Mr Rajoo, the neighbourhood barber. He also trimmed my nose hair & moustache.

16. Are you over the age of 25?
Ans: Physically, yes. At heart, no.

17. Do you talk a lot?
Ans: No, especially when I got a boob in my mouth. MUahahahaah!!

18. Do you watch the O.C.?
Ans: Watch people Orr C? Where?

China

’s public toilets huh? Like this one?

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?
Ans: Yes! Yes! And a very good looking one too!

20. Do you make up your own words?
Ans: Fuckelicious (Fucking Delicious)

21. Are you a jealous person?
Ans: Niasing! What kind of question is this? People tackle your girlfriend or your wife, see you jealous anot?

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’.
Ah Pek

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’.
Kaypo Lenglui. But dunno if she still considers me a ‘friend’ or not after exposing her exploits with her washing machine. LOL

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?
Ans: 1800-PHONE-SEX

25. What does the last text message you received say?
Ans: It said, “ON THE ROAD LA!!!”.
OMG! This auntie can drive and text messages at the same time. LOL

26. Do you chew on your straw?
Ans: You think I’m a cud chewer ah? Tiu!

27. Do you have curly hair?
Ans: No, that's not mine. *spits out hair*

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?
Ans: Veron asked if I like to go to Siem Reap. Hmm…not scandalous meh, 2 of us go? Or was it 20 of us you said? Hahahahaha!!

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?
Ans: My vote is Nutzri. Hahahahaha!!!!

30. What was the last thing you ate?
Ans: *spits out hair summore*

31. Will you get married in the future?
Ans: Why keep a cow when milk is readily available from the supermarket?

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?
Ans: Days Of Glory/Indigenes.

33. Is there anyone you like right now?
Ans: Got! Neh…that sweet young thing Susie I met in Tsim Sah Tsui ;p

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
Ans: Last night, when I forgot to chain her to the sink and she made a dash for the door.

35. Are you currently depressed?
Ans: Yeah lah..I’m currently ‘depressing’ boobs. Depress means not pressing, right? Right?

36. Did you cry today?
Ans: No lah. You think I’m like those Bolehland politicians ah? Always crying for public sympathies…tiu!

37. Why did you answer and post this?
Ans: Because I eat full, nothing to do!..and must give face to LB.

38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey.
Yeah, Allow me to tag 5 of the overcrowded Bolehland Cabinet.
1. Bodo-wee
2. his power hungry son in law: kai-lee
3. the stooge, Nutzri
4. The nincompoop: Hisap-mudin
5. The man and his bankrupt ideas: OKT

Wordless Wednesday....and Breakfast Tag

2007-11-14T01:25:00.001+08:00

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Made In India

2007-11-09T00:27:00.000+08:00

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Wow! I came across this YouTube on Ah Pek’s blog and I tell you this young Chindian dentist of 24 years of age is phenomenal! Meiyang Chang, an India-born third generation Chinese impressed the judges and fans alike with his incredible voice singing Hindi songs from Bollywood movies on Indian Idol 3.
It was good enough to make it to the top 5 spot before being eliminated. I think this guy will go far.

And yes, Chen & Moz…you can blindfold him with dental floss! Hahahahaha!

Go check out his other songs during the earlier rounds and guess what? He has a blog.

The young dentist is eloquent and he keeps a good journal of his exploits. Go check it out.

On another note, this guy went to India last September on the pretext of an overseas job assignment.

The real reason, however, was this…..

Yes! Bollywood screen test…..and I’ve got the SMS messages to prove it..

Cocka: Sengjai, I heard you are going to Yindia?

His reply~

Cocka: You going there for what? Bollywood screen test ah?

His reply~

Little did he know that Uncle Cocka has influential contacts in the Indian Bollywood circle and with the right connections, I was able to get hold of a copy of his recording.

This was the commercial jingle he sang for the Punjab tourism board…

What do you think?

Moo moo moo moo………….

Happy Deepavali, Chang & Sengkor Khan. Hope I’m not too late with the greetings.

Shake, Rattle , Roll......

2007-11-02T00:01:00.000+08:00

Ladies! Have your vibrators been running out of batteries or died on you when you were just a breath away from that ceiling-hitting orgasm?

Or in extreme cases, melted from the heat from all that friction when you forgot to lube it?

Or are you one of those who has a ‘train tunnel’ that no vibrators on the shelf seems to accomodate a locomotive?

Well sigh no more! Introducing a whole new way to ‘get it off’ while your husbands are at work or your boyfriends are away!

Yes, desperate housewives! Your very own washing machine might just be the answer.

Get on top, straddle it, switch it to ‘spin’ mode and away we go! It’s as simple as that. For maximum effect, throw in a teddy bear for that rough knocks and tumble feeling. Ask her for a well documented instruction manual on the 'tried and tested' 101 ways! LOL!

Oh by the way, you can also do your laundry while you’re at it. Laundry chores has never been this fun!

Yes! We have not forgotten those hardcore seasoned cases looking for gigantic industrial applications. Please feel free to contact her. Muahahahahaa!!!!

*Another community message brought to you by Hitachi, Zanussi, Shakeapussy

Wordless Wednesday.....and My Wireless Keyboard

2007-10-31T00:29:00.000+08:00

Weekend Cheers....

2007-10-28T00:34:00.000+08:00

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$750"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$2250"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy,

"Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$3000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now."

Wordless Wednesday.....Another Chinese-made Product Recalled.

2007-10-24T20:06:00.001+08:00

Eff Them all! Eff Them All!

2007-10-20T01:55:00.000+08:00

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In less than an hour, the frogs will be playing the Argentine Pumas for 3^rd placing.

Last week, the Pommies went head-on with the Frogs for the fourth time in Paris, Stade de France in the World Cup Rugby semi finals.

The two arch rivals also met in the 1991 quarter-finals where the Poms won 19-10, the 1995 third place play-off (Frogs prevailed 19-9) and the 2003 semi-finals, where the Poms again won 24-7 on that greasy wet pitch in Sydney.

So when the respective captains, Raphael Ibanez and Phil Vickery, lead their teams out last Saturday morning, little did I realize the humiliation the host were going to face.

The frustrating thing was watching the frogs played with limited imagination and a non existence ‘garlic flair’ that won my admiration in the past, watching them kicking away possession when they could have utilize their hard running backs. The much needed punch they had the week before when they defeated the Kiwis was grossly missing!

The Poms just took 78 seconds after kickoff to score their brilliant try with winger Josh Lewsey racing past his opponents and pouncing on the hesitant Damien Traille. After that, anybody who thought that the score would herald 78 more minutes of running rugby were to be left disappointed as the boot and staunch defence ruled.

Apart from conceding silly penalties within kicking range, the frogs could only convert 3 of them.

(a dejected French supporter)

Three minutes to full time, Wilkinson found himself in the pocket after a massive drive by the forward pack and slotted a magnificent 35-metre drop kick that sealed their victory.

Final score: England 14, France 9

Damn the Poms! They are in the finals….and I lost money. Perhaps the All Blacks parody best describe how I felt that day.

Never mind. I look forward to a repeat of the first round humiliating 36-0 defeat of the English by the Springboks tomorrow night.

Thursday cheers... The Hypnotist

2007-10-18T15:00:00.000+08:00

It was opening night at the Glasgow Empire and "The Amazing Claude" was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took the stage, he announced that unlike most stage hypnotists, who invite 2-3 people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, he intended to hynotize the whole audience.

The atmosphere was electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch. It is a very special watch. It has been in the family for 6 generations."

Then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting; "Watch the watch.....watch the watch....watch the watch......"

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until it suddenly slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor shattering into dozens of pieces. "Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took five days to clean up the theatre.

Wordless Wednesday

2007-10-17T00:31:00.000+08:00

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Picture source: Stolen from http://leonardpng.blogspot.com

Moblie Phones....Tampons...Liu-Dom

2007-10-10T22:17:00.000+08:00

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Wenn and Angel tagged me ages ago to write about the cell phones I’ve owned.

Well, let me tell you the hard times I went thru…..

Back in the old days, things were not as rosy….

Then it got better….

I recall the days where I have to carry the bulky Atur

These days, I just settle for simplicity…

There done liao!

On another note, Titoki asked “What do elephants use for tampons?”
My answer is err….pssst! They stick a sheep up their cb huh? Muahahahha!!

In fact, they don’t. They use super-duper, the maxiest of the maxi pads that has “wings”. Now you know why elephants can fly! It’s true. These days they have a pad for almost everything!

Here’s a dedication to you this week, sweetie

Latest news! Inevitable will never allow Dom Dom to meet up with Liucas again without strapping her up like this.

The poor bitch was humped by Liucas during their recent encounter despite all odds -his height and kkc's length handicap.

Inevitable was adamant that he will never allow his Dom Dom to practice prenuptial sex.

Last I heard fiery words on dowry negotiations and wedding arrangements were reportedly exchanged between the Lohs and the Yaps. Way to go fellas! You are one step closer to being relatives.

Here’s a dedication to the furry couple.

Have a good Hari Raya to those celebrating!

My First Colonoscopy

2007-10-05T02:23:00.000+08:00

Last Tuesday, I made an appointment for my first colonoscopy. (Children, this is one of the perks of growing older). The doctor told me to be home early, skip dinner and drink a concoction of what-cha-ma-call-it salty solution and a packet of ‘magic cleanser’ mixed with a litre of water at 6pm, and I should finish the whole bottle by 8pm latest.

Wallowing in momentary self pity that I’ll be missing dinner, I decided to treat myself to a hearty nasi briani lunch. Truly satisfying…

By 5.45pm I was still in the office and knowing that I’ll be caught in the peak hour traffic, I decided to mix the concoction and drink it there hoping that by the time I reached home, the laxative would have taken effect. Downing the litre in about an hour while at crawling pace of the traffic wasn’t a problem. Big mistake! By 7.30 pm and still caught up in a slow crawl, I realized the asshole wasn’t going to cooperate. What happened over the next 5 minutes would have put Lewis Hamilton, Alonso or Schumacher driving skills to shame. I floored the accelerator overtaking everyone else on the road shoulder, zigzagging ala formula 1, knocking down cone markers and drawing finger gestures from irate road users while getting myself to the nearest petrol kiosk. As luck was on my side, the shit-house was unoccupied. The first wave of Tsunami was ‘heavenly’…ahh… all the solids were expelled from the bowel. That was about it and I happily continued my journey home….or so I thought. Holy macaroni! Just as I was about to pull out of the station, I felt the second wave building up and in a flash faster than Flash Gordon, I was back in that smelly crampy shithouse taking another dump. Trying to hold back and fumbling for the zip was an almost futile attempt. Geez! After that, I hurried home anticipating more after shocks.The 3^rd to 7^th bouts were much more comfortably discharged sitting on my custom-built, ‘contoured to my arse’ toilet seat.

It was quite an experience I must say. I never felt so clean inside out. In fact, I was humming ‘Singing In the Rain’ along with the bowel movements.

Wednesday, on arrival at the hospital, I was told to strip and put on a hospital gown tied in the back. I felt silly trying to figure out which side of the flap goes over which and after a while I gave up trying to tie the strings together.

Shortly thereafter, one of the 2 tending nurses instruct me to lie on my side…for the gala festivities were about to begin. Too bad there wasn’t any accompanying orchestra.

Usually, I would have been very embarrassed exposing myself to 3 strangers; a doc and 2 nurses, but then I realized I was the only one in the room who did not choose a life staring up on people’s arses! I can’t believe they actually went to school to do this! Hahaha! It must have been an elective subject! ROTFLMAO! And the 2 nurses, my guess would be they are condemn in their careers and hence, assigned to this department!

After sedation, I was told to count from 10 to 0. “Ahh..piece of cake”; I replied. “10, 9, 8, 7…….3,4,5……..zzzzzzzzzz”

When I woke up, I realized that I was no longer eligible for virgin sacrifice. *sob sob!* It was done and over. I never felt the intrusion or any discomfort. “Congratulations Mr Cocka! Everything looks fine!” said the doctor, as he handed me a clean bill of health and a bill of RM 1,029.50. He had the last laugh I supposed, for I was the one who paid a hefty price to get my arse poked.

Thursday cheers...

2007-09-27T20:13:00.000+08:00

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Ok, ok I know this is an old one...but it's still funny. Sorry I'm making fun of your girlfriends again Ace. Muahaahahhaha!!!

A Kiwi buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they
are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "but they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

Viva Le France!!!

2007-09-15T15:59:00.000+08:00

.I’ll be roughing it out on the couch in the living room on Wednesday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday nights from this week until Oct 20^th.

During this period, I’ll be pumping up my body system with lots of caffeine…and occasionally with the help of the ever useful ‘broken in halves’ toothpicks to prop the droopy eyelids.

Yes! It’s that ‘once in every four years’ ritual where nobody can pry the TV remote control from my grasp.

I turn anti-social & shoo away visitors, and make MOHA a widow for a month and a half.

Productivity at work is half-pace and appointments are pushed way back until end Oct as some of the best matches are played at around 3 am.

Last night’s match was truly elating….watching the arrogant pomes being thrashed, beaten to the pulp and humiliated by the Springboks. Yep, I made some money! Thank you for those marvellous kicking, Percy Montgomery.

I recall those fun days where we used to sing the “Ball of Kerrymiur” during the beer frenzies after the matches at SCC or Dieppe Barracks in that tiny red dot down south. How I miss those days.

So this song is dedicated to Suitapui for his cucumber jokes.

Have a good weekend all! Zzzzzzzz………..

Judgement Day!

2007-09-08T01:56:00.000+08:00

It never fails to amaze me how quickly some people located thousands of miles can form opinions or perceptions of others without even having to meet them.

It is as if, the act of their judgement is an act of pride viewed from their moral high horse. It involves looking to their own dim-wit narrow perspective, putting together a few perceived facts, figures or fancies, …or worse, just by judging from what others post or comment and coming up with the conclusion if they are good, bad or ugly.

To these bigots, judging others is an act of monumental pride - enormous pride, stupendous pride, galling, astonishing, fantastic pride.

This should be understood. When you render judgement on another, you have taken upon yourself an awesome responsibility for making the correct judgement. Because, in the first place, your judgement is not necessary. But if you persist, then be prepared to be judged likewise.

Often, when you judge people against your benchmarked ‘paradigm’ of right and wrong you failed to realize it is terribly flawed by YOUR inherent biasness.

This in turn leads to the question of acceptance. What is not acceptable to you may not necessarily apply to others. Learn to tolerate and live with it while pondering over what I have said as you are withering away in your twilight years! Senility is not an excuse.

Enjoy the song....I'm sure you would!

Midweek Cheers....

2007-08-30T00:06:00.001+08:00

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,

Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Two Scores And Five !!!

2007-08-24T00:57:00.000+08:00

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Today my big day has finally arrive
Not a day less, I’ve hit two scores and five
Some say I’m trapped in a body of a twenty five
Others asked what’s my secret of being so alive

Whenever there are piaomeis I rush like bees to a hive
Pssst! let me tell you, come closer, lets connive
My secret is I thoroughly enjoy muff dive
Drinking from her fountain; your youth will revive

Greenhorns say yerr…."smells like a fish that did not survive"
But with proper douching, the honey pot smells nice
Lap up every drop, let your tongue does the jive
When it’s over, raise a toast and proclaim, “All hail to vice!!”

Disclaimer: Kids! Don’t try this at home.

Breaking News!!!!!

2007-08-22T23:57:00.000+08:00

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Your attention please!!!

I've just received a SMS saying that terrorists have kidnapped Samy Vellu!

And they are demanding a ransom of RM 6.5 million , or else they will burn him alive with kerosene!

Please donate NOW!!
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I have donated 15 litres......!

Monday cheers....Grandpa On The Porch

2007-08-20T01:15:00.000+08:00

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?

Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,

"Well... last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma's idea."

Midweek cheers-The Pope and the Rabbi...

2007-08-15T23:44:00.000+08:00

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He would debate with the leader of the Jewish community.

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked the aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate.

However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us."

"Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin."

"He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe.

"How did you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Rabbi Moishe.

"First the Pope said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger."

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him, we're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.

Tribute To AceOne

2007-08-08T17:24:00.001+08:00

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There is this bachelor known to many as Ace 1. (For some reasons Linpeh calls him humhai or salty pussy). Don’t let that nick Ace 1 fools you as it has nothing to do with his performance in bed.

He is currently voted as the most eligible bachelor by an overwhelming majority....

But he prefers the bachelor lifestyle since he can have 5 girlfriends….

….and this song best describes it. Wakakakakakaka!!!!

Ok ..ok…I’ve been mean and unkind. In actual fact, he dates…

Here's a picture of his date and his favorite dating theme song.....

Muahahahahahaa!!! Sei mei???

Oops! I Farted Again....

2007-08-07T20:44:00.000+08:00

This post is dedicated to her.

The Million Dollar Tag

2007-07-31T19:44:00.000+08:00

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Jemima wants to know what would I do with a million bucks.
A million bucks ah? Wow!... Jit bak baan ah?

I think here's what I'll do...... click and listen carefully.

Yes Jemima....we go Hawaii..... go jipun chiak su shee.... LOL

Leonard's Tag

2007-07-24T21:46:00.001+08:00

Leonard tagged me and wanted to know the naughtiest thing that I’ve done back in my secondary school days.

Hmm…..let me see…..

As far as beyond the blue yonder, I recalled vividly helping frail old ladies cross the streets…

...As a Leo Club member distributing milk and biscuits to less fortunate fellow students…

...there were times I rescued kittens stranded up in the trees…

...voluntarily carried teachers’ books …

...Was an active patrol leader in the boy scouts movement...

...Was a member of the Christian fellowship society....

Took part in Flag Day for St Vincent de Paul charity

No, Leonard. Unlike you, I can’t think of anything bad like watching porno during my secondary school days. Muahahahahahhahaha!!!!

Land Of Braveheart...Part 2

2007-07-23T01:37:00.000+08:00

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The next day, we enacted the storming of the enchanting Stirling Castle with my mount…the rented Volkswagen Polo. We charged up the slope leading to the entrance effortlessly as I floored the accelerator and picture myself being transported back to medieval 16^th century,...spreading terror to the inhabitants as they frantically trying to draw up the bridge in their desperation to prevent their daughters from eloping with the all-mighty knight, Sir Cocka!

“He who holds Stirling, holds Scotland”.

The awesome and commanding presence of the William Wallace Monument visible a few klicks away from the castle was next on my invasion list.

This was built to commemorate Sir William Wallace, a knight and Scottish patriot, who led a resistance against the English occupation of Scotland during the Wars of Scottish Independence. He is considered the greatest hero in Scotland's history and is also known as the Guardian Of Scotland.

We decided to call it a day and proceeded to Inverness. I would have included the battlefield of Bannockburn in my itinerary if she has not shown signs of fatigue after climbing 246 steps in a narrow and spiral staircase to the crown of the monument.

The drive up north was indeed pretty spectacular, with gentle rolling hills dotted with sheep, horses and highland cows. Occasionally, I would just pull up alongside of the country roads, get out of the car and just immerse in the sunshine, absorbing the green scenery and the bluest loch.

The following day at Loch Ness was a different story. The sky was as predictable as the English weather! It was drizzling on and off, and the only thing keeping my spirits high was the sights of sweet young things strolling about in the ‘kilt-lifting ‘gales.

Wait for part 3 lah....very busy these days!

Land of Braveheart

2007-07-13T00:57:00.000+08:00

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Finally…Blogger has allowed me to make a comeback after locking me out for a week! Bugs they claimed! I had half a mind donning that armor and declaring war by switching to Wordpress!

Here’s my much-awaited story of the road….

The population here in Scotland is slightly more than 5 million, with the majority inhabiting the fertile Lowlands between the cities of Glasgow and Edinburgh.

It was my desire to see some of the real Scotland apart from feeling compelled to get away from the crime-infested JB.

Having successfully coaxed her into forgoing an agonizing month long absence from her mahjong & gin rummy kakis, I started searching online for tourists attractions and planning our routes.

Apparently, the Highlands is not a place for the easily bored, laksa & mahjong missing manics like her I soon learnt after taking several wrong turnings and getting lost for almost 2 hours while driving from Edinburgh to Inverness.

Having mistaken a farmhouse for an intended B&B, in my desperation for more accurate directions, I approached a terrified elderly lady seemingly all-ready to hand over her cash & jewellery as long as I didn’t molest her highland cows.

Our mutual fears dissipated and she pointed me to the right directions, and after more driving and arguments while pulling over occasionally for anxious map checks, I swear to invest in a GPS when I get home.

Fortunately, the summer skies up north here don’t get dark until about 10.30 pm so it’s still quite safe for the bold and stupidly adventurous.

Alas, we arrived at a quaint-looking house in Stirling owned by a pleasant middle-aged lady named Jennifer. After haggling on the price, she showed us to our rooms at the basement that includes a kitchen, a large living room with a ‘make-believe’ fireplace that operates electrically and an access to her beautiful garden. The only thing that missing was internet connection. All this for £80 a night with a hearty English breakfast thrown in for good measure.

To be continued……

Siaran Tergendala....

2007-06-07T00:02:00.000+08:00

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Hi there my EFNTD blogger friends! Come Friday I’ll be on sabbatical for a month….

to be her neighbour...
Having a date with Ms. Nessie…and bashing lotsa haggis…

Catching up with the clans…speaking Canto-Gaelic …

Hunting down the Famous Grouse and plucking its feathers…

Swinging at the ‘mecca’ of golf…

Swashbuckling with the descendants of Wallace…

And then onward to checkout the Iberian chicks…

Yelling ‘Ole’ at each successfully executed side-step at the El Toro…

Surviving on burritos, tortillas, paellas, vinos…

Before becoming his neighbour for a few days, seeking an audience with His Papacy, hoping to revive the Gardenia deal. LOL

Any SYT out there looking for some adventures? Apply within. All you need to do is just massage my tired feet at the end of the day. Muahahaha!! *evil laughter*

Til then… Slàn leat!,..Adios!…Ciao!

Atta' Girl Knee Pads!!

2007-06-02T17:11:00.000+08:00

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It brings me great pleasure to introduce you yet another phenomenal invention from Hugh.

The Atta Girls’ Knee Pads....
They are essential for those of you who’ll need to get on those knees to blow your way to success be it your career or your love life.

For those who are already successful, you may want a pair too just in case you need get down on your knees to free colleague’s willy! Hahaha!!

Lastly, for those who practice the ‘alternative lifestyle’ (LB are you reading this?) there’s a version for you too!

Listen to this commercial jingle and see for yourself.
Remember! Love those knees!

Another post sponsored by Mr. Hefner

Weekend Cheers & my 100th post.

2007-05-26T08:25:00.001+08:00

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favour.

The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate $10 million to the Vatican .."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help.
I'll donate $20 million if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate.

"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $50 million to The Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $50 million to
the Vatican ."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we're losing the Gardenia account."

My First Sponsored Post

2007-05-22T02:02:00.000+08:00

.These days, it’s not uncommon to see some of my favourite bloggers turning pro by writing sponsored posts. She makes tons of money with her arse firmly planted on her chair writing articles for ‘pay per post’. He 'threw in the spanner' on his hardware shop because blogging helps pay off his tai yi long. Even this goldfish u nker discovered how lucrative it can be.

Since I spend an average of 8 hours behind the computer anyway, I reckon I might as well jump on the bandwagon and make me some kopi money. So, welcome to Cocka’s first sponsored post! Tada…..

Recently I took delivery of a Made In Tiongkok HP Pavillion dv2000 that come pre-installed with Windows Vista™. Now if you do encounter some problems with the Logitech mouse since some MouseWare do not support Windows Vista, you may want to check out these steps.

Click Here and move you mouse across the screen and see if anything happens.

By the way, this post is sponsored by Hugh Heffner! LOL

Testing , Testing

2007-05-19T23:47:00.001+08:00

testing ..testing 1,2,3 nimah fulat! How come the comment feature in my last post missing geh?

To Those Celebrating Their Birthdays This Week...

2007-05-19T18:24:00.000+08:00

Aha! Here's something appropriate for those celebrating their birthdays this week!

Have a great time yeah, Winn & JL .

OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter", means not getting up to pee.

Have a good weekend ahead!

Tuesday cheers....The Arab and The Jew

2007-05-15T19:04:00.000+08:00

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors
needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.Because the
gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the
call went out to a number of countries.

Finally, a Jew was located who had similar type of the blood who willingly
donated his blood to the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a
thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a
new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.

Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again.
His doctors telephoned the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card and a jar
of Almond Roca sweets. The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time
did not reciprocate much the Jew's kind gesture as he had done previously.

So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation
in not so generous a manner.

The Arab replied "Ya habibi, I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?"

Good Vibes Birthday Wishes!!!

2007-05-12T10:34:00.000+08:00

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Here’s wishing A. H. A. P. P. Y. V. E. R. Y. B. I. R. T. H. D. A. Y. T. O. A. H. M. A. Y.!!!!

To complete the furnishing of her new love pad (or crow's nest), the most ideal gift for May starts with the letter ‘D’.

DILDO!!

……of various shapes and sizes.

……I would have wanted to give you an antique version of the world’s first steam engine driven dildo.

..but I’d reckon it’ll be difficult to transport it to Oz.

Subsequently, I found a smaller version at this place..

And they do door to door delivery…

It is less bulky and you can even play ‘fetch’ with your doggie with it.

So, watch out for it in your mailbox, yeah.

Have a good birthday, sweetie!

My Other Half......

2007-05-05T01:35:00.000+08:00

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Zara & Ziraffa's Mama tagged me and wanted to know why I married my other half and what are the passions we share.
You really want to know ah? Here goes........

1. Prior to sowing the oats, The 'Plough' must be good and the arable land fertile....

2. Then you need 'Wheelbarrow' for the abundance of harvest.....

3. and a good 'Grip' of our relationship...

4. At times, compromise is eminent when she wants to be 'on top' of things...

5. Other times, put her on a leash and let her know who is the master and who is the 'Doggie' .....hahaha!
6. We enjoy taking time (and clothes) off to play games together like 'Hopscotch'

7. Or meditating in the 'Lotus' position to achieve peace of mind....

8. Taking a leisurely scenic ride to the orgasmic 'Humpback Bridge'......

9. Discovering religion with the 'Norwegian cross'......

10. Above all, she must have strong arms to carry my provision of beer! Muahahahaha!!!

For the 10 reasons why she pisses me off, please listen to the hokkien song featured with this post. Let it load a while yeah!
Have a good weekend!

Internet Marketing Survey Questionnaire

2007-04-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

This Frostier eat full nothing to do, go and conduct this survey by circulating the following questionnaire.

So, I hope his university would find my 2-sen worth of contribution fruitful....

How many movies do you download in a month averagely? Please state genre as well.

Cannot reveal. Afterwards you go report 9 me they will jail me and throw away the keys.

Mainly blue movies lah.

What type of internet connection do you possess? Unlimited connectivity?

I dunno the speed. Usually I download at the nearest internet café or Starbucks to avoid authorities’ detection. Hahaha!

Do you find the internet speed slow?

Damn farking slow lah. You know, we got Cyber this cyber that, Multimedia Super Corridor lah, smart this, smart that also no use when we got not-so-smart people running those establishments.

How do you download movies off the internet? FTP? P2P?

FTP means what ah? Fiddling The Penis ah?

P2P I know lah…..it’s pee to pee, right? It’s derived from the adage “To pee or not to pee?” That is the question.

Please state a few websites you use to download such movies.

Niamah! You think I stupid ah? How do I know you are not working for FINAS? After tell you ledi you buggers go and block those sites? Tiu!

Name a few advantages you experience downloading movies instead of purchasing them in other mediums (DVD/VCD).

First, I get to see the whole movie instead of those chopped up version dictated by some ‘holier than thou’ censor board.

Second, these days they got Lucky and Flo to sniff out those discs, so Uncle Ho’s supply could be choked.

How do you watch these movies? Using your computer? Ipod? Other gadgets?

What computer and IPod? I watch them on my Bravia home theater system lah.
I can never understand how some people can watch movies on their cell phones or Ipod.

What do you do while waiting for the movie downloads?

Usually I fiddle around with my kukujiao while waiting for the movie to download.

In the near future would you pay for your movie downloads?

You got too much money ah? Like all Malaysians, I only go for free things.

If legal downloads of movies are available with commercials. Would you still download them?

Legal means what? Those censored ones ah?

Legal means they will start charging for the downloads? Do you think consumers will pay for the downloading time of the commercials as well? Siao ah you? Summore our Malaysian commercials damn fake wan. You’ll see both parents are locals but their kids are usually Eurasians. You say fake anot?

Would you watch movies via live streaming channels online? Such as PP Stream? Why?

No…our internet so 9 slow how to watch? Take for example, if you are watching those blue movies online…KNN that fella take forever to lick, thurst and pull because the streaming speed is so farking slow. Potong stim only

Besides downloading movies, how do you watch new movies? Rent? Purchase?

Buy from Uncle Ho lah. I hardly go to the cinemas these days because I hate being interrupted by those farking Ah Bengs who dunno how to switch off the cell phones when I’m watching a movie. Damn 9 irritating!

Do you own a laptop or a desktop?

Both lah..with canggih sound systems summore.

What operating system do you use?

The modus operandi I use to avoid detection from FINAS is ‘cat and mouse’ system.

They come, we run! LOL

Now that they got Lucky and Flo, we may need to spray a coat of pepper on the discs. Muahahahaha!!!

Demographics Questions
Age: 25 (at heart)
Occupation: Ah Long
Nationality: Fresh off the boat
Internet usage per day: 25 hrs
Education Background: I no study wan.

Hope you are happy now, Frostier. LOL

Who Let The Dogs Out??

2007-04-20T01:17:00.000+08:00

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The other day, this hottie’s blogged about her hubs leaving the house gate opened and her dog took flight at the sight of his new found freedom.

I have seen this happened too many times. Since then, as a safety measure, I always make it a point to ensure the gate closes properly before driving off every morning.

Hottie is so depressed at this moment and she is pleading to anyone who knows the whereabout of BoboChacha please bring him home to her. This could help spare Big C’s life.

Last I heard, she was pasting posters of BoboChacha all over town in her hope of finding him again..

So, in solidarity of another fellow blogger, I ask of you readers to come together and help her find BoboChacha.

Midweek Cheers....

2007-04-18T11:20:00.000+08:00

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a lamp.

He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!"

The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y' know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

I Wanna Rock The Qasbah!

2007-04-14T15:38:00.000+08:00

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This long overdue tag was from Amah weeks ago! Finally found time to do it. No hard feelings yeah!

In typical 3 gu 6 por fashion, she likes to know which nook and crannies I like to visit.

Well, while the majority of us tend to go to those overly commercialized places, I choose the ‘cradle of civilization’.....Iraq!

...and mingle with the friendly locals

The latest attraction of this country are the newly created golf courses…
You can bet your ass every stroke would be a hole in one!

Check out the aerial view of the courses...

It’s a buggy course, so there’s no necessity for caddies or you to haul your golf bags.

Enjoy the beautiful and romantic view of dusk ….

And the nightly fireworks display…..

Don't forget to dropby at the botanical gardens.....

Who could ask for more?

Chapter 10- The 47 (1 kicked the bucket) Concubines

2007-04-04T00:18:00.000+08:00

Before Concubine W bled to death, draining her body of blue cheese, mustard & ketchup, she tagged me to continue with this ever-confusing and scandalous story of the Cunt-cubines. (pardon the southern accent)

With the demise of Concubine W, the Palace was thrown into chaos! Hopes of endless supply of His Royal Highness’ fresh milk were dashed. Saddened by her sudden departure from the episode, the Emperor ordered a royal inquiry into the scandals that has been long plagued the palace. He wants to know who has been screwing around with his concubines!

Deviously, he summoned the Royal Entertainer Wang to tap into the palace grapevine.

Conniving amongst the echelons of concubines (especially those that has been frequently overlooked) , eunuchs, and palace cockroaches, he was finally rewarded amply with more than he could handle.

On the night of the Grand Banquet, the opera troupe directed, choreographed and acted by Wang, was conveyed with much subtle message in the form of Chinese opera…….

Toook…took chiang! Toook tooook chiang chiang chiang……..

The opening scene….depicting the ‘Emperor’ , ‘Phoenix Empress’ , Concubines W,A,C, M. Yes…Concubine M is the one with the biggest boobs.

Scene 2….the ‘Captain of the Guards’ frolicking with 2 of the many concubines….

Scene 3…The ‘Emperor’s romp in the park with Concubine xxxx while Prince Moh looks on and wank himself silly.

Scene 4…Concubines M, A & C tied & tormented W.
There was also a part where they dripped wax on her *censored*

Scene 5…The ‘Imperial Executioner’ (top right) fits of rage drove him to defy higher orders after learning the death of Concubine W took matters into his own hands to seek justice and chased one of the Concubines with kkc chariot.

As the final curtains fall (psst! Chinese opera got curtains or not ah? I forgot already) the stage was drenched in cum mixed with other bodily fluids…will the Emperor punish those liable for Concubine W’s death? Will he take Entertainer Wang to a romp in the park? Or will personally supervise the guillotine on the Captain?

I shall now pass the baton to Sengjai.

Marooned On An Island.....

2007-04-02T00:47:00.000+08:00

Huah! Must be my lucky week! Over the last couple of weeks I was twiddling my thumbs, scratching my balls because there were no tags coming my way.

Then all of a sudden…3 tags!!!! 1 by the Doc, 1 by Laundryamah and another by Concubine W.

Ok, since I’m in a good mood this week, I shall do 1 at a time yeah. First come, first served.

Doc wants to know which 6 bloggers will I bring along if I’m marooned on a desert island.

Lucas & Ah Boy…afterall, they are Man’s best friends. I can train them to hunt. And when the island runs out of wildlife…..here’s what they'll become.

*salivating* Hee hee

LB….I would think LB is indeed instrumental in getting us rescued. I could use his shiny top to transmit Morse Code by reflecting the sun’s ray to attract the attention of passing planes or ships like one would with a mirror!

Wingz…His natural buoyancy would serve as an advantage. I can strap him onto me and use him as a lifejacket. I could also straddle him and paddle him to the open sea like a raft.

We could all hide behind him in times of strong winds and tidal waves. And if he kicks the bucket before us, we could always use his hide to build a tent……a very large tent. Ok,ok ..something the size that can house the whole troupe of Cirque Du Soleil. Muahahahahaha!!!! *evil laughter*

Next, I won’t mind the company of Ah Ben and his violin, for I’ll expect him to perform Toccata and Fugue in D minor while I laze back in my hammock amongst the palm trees sipping toddy, enjoying the breeze amidst the gentle sounds of breaking waves.

Last but not least, I would welcome the company of the hottest babe in blogsphere….*drumroll…............................tada!!!!* .....Jessbabe.!!!!!

In fact, she is so hot that she could change the temperature of the sea and I wanna put her to good use……

....like helping me catch fish…..

Why restrict myself to 6? Given a choice I’d beg for the company of Angel, for she looks like she is cut out to hack & chop firewood, and Winn, who has the skills to climb coconut trees!

There you go Chen. 1 down, 2 to go!

The Alphabet Tag....

2007-03-24T14:45:00.000+08:00

   No one ever thought of tagging me on this meme,

     but I guess I’ll just do it because my butt itchy


     "A" is for Angel, her party shoes tattered and worn,

     "B" is for Ben, the result of his father’s condom torn,

      "C" is for Carcar who badly needs a kiss,

But "D" is for Doc who gave her por-por a squeeze,

    "E" is for Endroog the flamer with only one ball,

    "F" is ‘flat’ like Titoki, with no por-por at all,

    "G" is for gonorrhea, goiter, and gout,

    "H" is for Helen who denies spreading it about,

    "I" is for insertion, infection and itch,

    "J" is Jason, who got them from a bitch,

    "K" is for KW who thought bum-pinching’s a bore,

But "L" is for LB, the pervert who came back for more,

      "M" is for May, who by far, the best pair of knockers

But "N" is for Nelson, who rather date male bloggers


 "O" is his orifice, Ah Pek thought he cunningly concealed,

But "P" is the penis, the Mangkali used to pry him and peeled,

     "Q" is the Queer who farted and shat in his hat

     "R" is for Roger (9393), who rogered his cat,

     "S" is Sengjai’s crap-pot all filled to the brim,

     "T" is for Titoki’s turds which are floating within,

      "U" is for Uni Lin-Cocka-Wingz who taught you to screw,

 But "V" is for Vad3r who rather play with his tool,

       "W" is Wuching who thought screwing a farce,

And "X", "Y", and "Z" you can shove up Linpeh’s arse

Disclaimer: No offence intended to those names mentioned.
They just happened to rhyme. Muahahahaha!!!  *evil laughter*

6 Weird Facts Tag

2007-03-19T22:07:00.000+08:00

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This hottie mama tagged me and demanded to know 6 weird facts about me.

Well, here goes…..

1) I have weird dreams every now and then.
Last night, I dreamt that this guy was canonized! Holy Cow! Mother of God!
Saint George Bush??

I also dreamt that Brad Pitt has a bad hair day….weird anot?

2) I truly love listening and singing songs with bastardized lyrics. Definitely one of my favorite past times. Used to sing them on Hash Nights over a beer frenzy. Yes.. Weird Al Yankovic tops them all!

3) Apart from sumo-wrestling that I follow religiously, I like mud-wrestling too. Used to watch the matches at a pub near Dieppe, Sembawang Singapore many moons ago before the authorities decided to shut it down. They claimed that it was indecent back then.

4) I don’t watch soccer. Weird mou? I get disgusted seeing footballers pretend to fall and agonize over trivial bumps. The players are over rated too. The supporters? Mainly ill-disciplined and unruly. Ok, flame me if you want, but that’s my opinion. Hahaha!

5) I was tailing this guy in JB last week. I didn’t know he is for real. Luckily didn't crash into him. So Darth is from kiasuland??

6) I wash and re-use my condoms. You say weird mou?

There Sasha! Done your tag already! And now....it's my pleasure to tag King's Wife because she's too lazy to update her post.

Weekend cheers...

2007-03-18T03:00:00.000+08:00

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Two Crocodiles were basking in the sun at the side of the Lake Gardens.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said................

I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me....we're the
same age.....

we were the same size as kids....... I just don't get it ?"

"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the
Parliament House."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their cars and wait for one to
unlock the car door.

Then I jump out..... grab them by the leg..... shake the shit out
of them and eat 'em !"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "that's where you're going wrong !

You're not getting any real nourishment...... !"

"You See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician,

there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase !"

Yin Yeong Tag

2007-03-10T14:44:00.000+08:00

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I was tagged by the mafia on this. When I refused to do it, I woke up next to a dead hamster....Arrrghhhh!!!!!
Ok, ok finally done. Please don't harm my pets anymore... LOL

1.Coke or Pepsi?
Royal Crown Cola. Anyone remember this?

2. KFC or McDonald’s?
A&W

3. Häagen-Dazs or Baskin-Robbins?
Errr…..Ice kacang

4. Coffee Bean or Starbucks?

Neither...Give me Restoran Big Cup anytime. That’s where these girls hang out. The restoran even has a sign inside that says “Titoki Not Allowed” Muahahaha!!!

Good work girls! Your push-up bras did wonders!

5. Nike or Adidas?.
Adidas of course….official sponsor for the All Blacks

Nike? Naw…They only sponsor 1 black.

6. Mercedes-Benz or BMW?

If you have seen my sleek Lada…you’d change your mind about Benz or Beemer.

Now pay attention to the nano tech, aero-dynamically designed , wind tunneled tested, strategically mounted for maximum visual effect spoiler, Ah Lian magnet. Check out the exhaust too. Every Ah Beng would kill to get one.

7.UK or U.S.?
Between Ulu Kelang and Ulu Selangor, I think I’ll go for the former. At least the seafood there is better, coconut flower wine……bak kut teh

8. Paris or Rome?
Paris is full of dog poo all over the pavement….blardy humsap Frenchmen that can’t leave MOHA alone ….

Rome….artistic capital with plenty of grafittis…pickpockets…gypsies….traces of LB’s

9. Céline Dion or Mariah Carey?
Neither! Give me Notorious MSG anytime! My current favorite is “Straight Out of Canton” playing at my blog now.

Wow! You guys are awesome! “Wok The Party” has hit over 2,600 downloads from my blog . Simply amazing! These 3 chinatown cooks turned rappers are the very same people who brought you Dimsum Girl.

Oops! Your question again? What what Drew Carey?

10. Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera?
Neither…ok ok I can tolerate Christina but I can’t stand Britney’s voice. She sounds as if she’s singing in between blowjobs. And her dance moves are awful. Her love handles and belly are more suited for Bollywood flicks or QBB ghee commercials….geez!

11. Brad Pitt or David Beckham?
Beckham sounds like a queer whenever he speaks.
Some people says I look like Brad Pitt. LOL

*passes out the barf bags*

Or was it Pitbull??

12.Dad or mum?
Dad for his wisdom and mum for her cooking.

13. Movie or music?
Bollywood movies! Got romance, got tragic, got happiness, got fight scenes, got dancing, got singing, got sceneries....come to think of it, it’s the only movie worth watching. So many goodies packed in one.

14. Windows or Mac?
Sitting by the Windows chomping down a Mac…my ideal evening past time!

15. PC or lappie?
Give me the lappie dancer anytime.

I don’t have any use for a Police Constable unless dedicating limericks like this one to them;

There once a policeman from Clapham Junction,
Who professed that his tool couldn’t function
He deceived his poor wife
For the rest of his life
By using the length of his truncheon!

Nah LB! ….done your tag liao!

Ingenious Use of Door Frames

2007-02-28T18:05:00.000+08:00

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Remember the time when we were kids and our parents line you up against the door frame to mark how tall you've grown and dated the mark?

Well, this cartoon brings a whole new perspective to that exercise!

Chinese Solutions For Chinese Problems

2007-02-21T13:53:00.000+08:00

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They say, "don't ask; don't tell". But you have to see these. Just don't ask where I got them!

A Chinese airline pilot requested permission and landed at Frankfurt for an unscheduled refuelling stop. The reason soon became apparent to the ground crew.

The No. 3 engine had been shutdown previously because of excessive vibration, and because it didn't look too good. But this, apparently, had presented no problem for the tough guys back in China: they took some sturdy straps and wrapped them around two of the fan blades and the structures behind. That stopped any unwanted windmilling (engine spinning by itself due to airflow passing through the fan blades during flight) and the associated uncomfortable vibration caused by the suboptimal fan. (For anybody who is not familiar with a jet engine, a jet fan blade should be perfectly smooth.)

Note that the straps are seat belts -- how resourceful! After making their "repairs", the Chinese flew off across Europe on another revenue-making flight, with only three engines! The resulting increased fuel consumption meant that they got a bit low on fuel, so they just set the aircraft down at nearest airport for a quick refill.

That's when their problems started: The Germans, who are kind of picky and strict about these stuff, inspected the malfunctioning engine and immediately grounded the aircraft. Besides the seat belts, notice the appalling condition of the fan blades. The airline operator had to send a chunk of money to get the first engine replaced (took about 10 days).

The repair contractor decided to do some impromptu inspection work on the other engines, none of which looked all that great either. The result: a total of three engines were eventually changed on this aircraft before it was permitted to fly again.

It only goes to show how much value they place on human lives. You might want to think twice before you fly on a Chinese Airline...

I think their catch phrase is "Now, Everyone Can Fry...."

Happy Oink Oink Year!!

2007-02-17T00:20:00.000+08:00

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And finally.....we have come to the completion of the evolution cycle.

Here's wishing all the readers out there a happy Hog year. May you be blessed with abundance of swill & mud to wallow and immerse in!

...stay cool throughout the year....

.....with plenty of love to spread around......

.....good things come in pairs, so double your wealth & happiness yeah!

Gong Xi Fa Cai!
I think I'll go for a pig out session now. German pork knuckles anyone?
This song goes out to her for cooking up a storm... Yeah! Let's Wok the Party!

Will You Be My Ballantine's?

2007-02-14T02:41:00.000+08:00

To those who don't have a Valentine's date, you are always welcome to join me and my Ballantine's.

But please don't drink yourself to a drunken stupor like this guy I saw last week at the lobby of Parkcity Everly Hotel- Bintulu.

This pisshead fell off his chair and smashed a glass top coffee table. What amazed me was he slept on that pile of broken glass and didn't cut himself.

In fact, I suggested that they throw him out of the hotel but they took the trouble of running a check on him and found out that he is indeed a guest.The hotel staff had to wheel him upstairs to his room. Well done fellas! This is what I called impeccable service.