Nothing to Crow About

Let's Pig Out Big Time!!

2006-12-02T01:40:00.000+08:00

Friday 24th Nov

Ah May can suck!
Dinner at Italiannies with this lenglui. I strongly recommend the Florence Platter on promotion. It’s simply out of this world! You should see how Ah May sucked out those marrows from the lamb shank. Issues on those stucked marrows were discussed and ideas were thrown around to be adopted and tried.

Bone marrow sucking lesson # 1: Always look for the wider end of the bone to suck. Choosing the wrong end could result in sucking extremely hard and making embarrassing noises and attracting stares from curious diners from the next table. Unless you enjoy all that attention like May does.

Bone marrow sucking Lesson # 2: If for some reasons you are served with a genetically defect lamb whose shank’s marrow is stucked to one side of the hollow, rendering an almost impossible task to apply the vacuum cleaner technique cited in lesson #1, try a little plumbing technique by clogging the narrow end with carrot cubes or other vegetables. This is important; else one would be sucking fruitlessly on one end, while air leaks from the other end. Once air leak problem is solved, resume sucking. Both marrow and carrot will be dislodged with a mere 5 p.s.i. (pound per square inch) suction force. Avoid sucking too hard or else the carrot cube projectile will be forced out of the bone’s hollow and propel down one’s throat at a deadly pace.

Lastly, never order a pitcher of Sangria if your date’s threshold for alcohol is rather low or she’ll fall asleep on you. Go by the glass. (Zoom in to see the drool at the corner of her mouth.)

The prop guys setting up the Christmas Trees and the Mickey at 1 Utama during closing time.

This must be the ugliest looking Christmas tree I’ve seen at the information counter!

Saturday 25th Nov

Leonard Tan’s jokes sucks big time….

Annual dinner organized by the Royal Institute of Naval Architect (UK) and Institute of Marine Engineers (Malaysia). Or to put it crudely, ‘The Institute For Ye Ole Seadogs That Has A Girlfriend In Every Port’.

This year we have Leonard Tan for standup comic.
One of the best jokes I heard all evening was him saying that in the old days, if you see 2,000 white guys chasing a black guy, they are known as the Ku Klux Klan.
These days, a similar scenario would be called the PGA tour!

Monday 27th Nov

SeeFei of Kiasuland organized a makan cum mini bloggers meet at the Sundanese Indonesian restaurant, Boat Quay.

It was good to meet up with Leonard and his girlfriend. He wasn’t foaming at his mouth this time because his girlfriend was with him. Muahahaha!!

The lenglui bloggers who turned up were Carcar with her stony looks from cough syrup overdose. The elusive, and very quiet Mistypurple who frequently works late hours,

The seductive and luscious Spinnee…and I’m only referring to her lips. Wait til you see the rest of her…..*drool*

and last to arrive is none other than the Hiao-Hiao Aunty.

Sorry folks! No photographs of Mistypurple and Spinnee as they threatened to throw me into the Singapore river if I did not delete their pictures.

See Hiao Aunty hiao anot?

I am not allowed to go into details on our conversation about her unusual ability to outdrink any guys at the Johnny Walker free flow parties! Oops!
Don’t forget to invite me next time yeah!

It’s a certainly a pleasure meeting up with you people.

Sorry folks if I have not been visiting or commenting at your blogs lately. I’ve been pretty busy.

And here's wishing the December babies a Happy Birthday! Yeah, you Lil’ Joy and Carcar! Muaks!!

I'm Feeling Christmasy....

2006-12-06T00:42:00.000+08:00

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Yep, the tree is all spruced up with ornaments that resemble Ah Boy and Lucas balls.

It’s the time of the year again where Yuletide spirit is higher than puffing on a bong and booze flows more freely than weak bladders.

My favorite Christmas character has always been Frosty. Being a snowman, he is versatile. He can take on any shape and size you want him to be. He is made up of snow crystals that are crystals formed around bits of dirt that had been carried up into the atmosphere by the wind. Soil particles dressed up in ice. Do you know there are four different shapes of snow crystals? The simplest is a long needle shaped like a spike. The other shapes all have six sides. One of them is a long, hollow column shaped like a six-sided prism. There are also thin, flat six-sided plates. And lastly, the intricate, six-pointed stars.

Yada ..yada…. tiu! As though you give a hoot about this entire hullabaloo.

What you actually came here for is this;

Frosty The Pervert

Frosty the pervert

in a trench coat he did go

to a the school yard to expose his dick

and balls made out of snow

Frosty the pervert

all the kids he liked to watch

his dick did grow when he packed snow

on his cold and icy crotch

There must have been some magic

when he stroked his frozen meat

cause frosty started moaning loud

and it began to sleet

Frosty the pervert was as glad as he could get

he threw away his corn cob pipe

and lit a cigarette

Frosty the pervert didn’t want to go to jail

he began to run while dripping cum

and the cops picked up his trail

down to the village

his dick melting in his hand

running here and there

all around the square

yelling "catch me if you can."

they chased him down the streets of town

right to a vice squad cop

who shoved a night stick up his ass

and Frosty screamed "dont stop OOOO!!"

Frosty the pervert

was locked up that very day

but he did not cry as he waved good bye

knowing he'd be back someday

beating his meat all over the streets

look at Frosty go

sliding his hands all over his glands

his cum, as white as snow

Will The Real Slim Santa Please Stand Up?

2006-12-09T16:03:00.001+08:00

How you ever wonder why the jolly old elf always has difficulties fitting into clothes other than the silly looking red suit? Trouble coming down the chimney chutes?
Or wasting resources employing so many reindeers to pull his sleigh?

Ever wonder how he would look if he’s fit and trim, works out in a gym?

Would you prefer this?

Or This?

This pork chop??

Or this hunk??

Enjoy the parody......

May I have your attention please,
May I have your attention please,
Will the real Slim Santa please stand up.
I repeat will the real Slim Santa please stand up.
We're gonna have a problem here.

You all act like you've never seen Santa before,
Toys all over your floor, who the hell ya think brought them?
It wasn't your drunk dad or your mother that whore,
It was me and now I'm skinny and I'll tell you the score.
Its the return of Christmas but not the jolly fat elf,
my ass got so big I couldn't wipe it myself.

My doctor said, "Santa you've never looked worse,
lose 200 pounds or your heart's gonna burst."
Everybody loved me big and fat ho-ho-ho,
Big ass Santa look at him walking around,
his belly like jelly, have some more eggnog.

They didn't give a *fuzz* if my arteries clogged,

So I said *fuzz* them and I joined a gym.

Started eating low-fat cookies and drinking milk that was skim.

I lost so much weight I can see my candy cane,

and Mrs. Clause is happy I can *fuzz* her again.

(Your name is on my list) x2,

and if your nice, not naughty I might give you a little gift.

But here's a message for you if your a big fat slob,

If your gut is in the way your girl won't bob on your knob.

You can't expect a hoe to gobble your goo,

if you just sit there eating twinkies,watching Scooby Doo.

If you ain't nothing but chubby,

no girl wants a fat hubby,

you'll endup working construction.

Your love life lies in ruins and destruction,

by the time your 30 you'll be asking Santa for liposuction.

But if your thin you'll get seduction,

underneath the mistletoe.

Sing the chorus and it goes!

I'm Slim Santa, yes I'm the real Kringle.

All you fly girls like my balls cause they jiggle,

so won't the Real Slim Santa please stand up,

please stand up, please stand up.

Cause I'm Slim Santa, yes I'm the Saint Nick.

All you other fat Santa's can suck my fat *fuzz*,

so won't the Real Slim Santa please stand up,

please stand up, please stand up.

Ho-Ho-Ho I guess theres a Slim Santa in all of us.

On Donner on Blitzen lets get the *fuzz* out of here!

WEESSSTTTSIDEEEEE (echoed)

X'Mas Songs dedication....

Seeing her pantyhose on display gives me erotic wild ideas. Fly would you like to join me “Walking round In Women underwear?”

Lyrics in my last year’s post here.

For Flyboy the nature lover here’s a song especially for you….

”Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire” Muahahahaa!!!!!
Poking the skewers thru their nose…..

Stay tuned for more....

I'm Dreaming Of A Wet...Christmas....

2006-12-23T15:39:00.000+08:00

Yes, it’s gonna be a terribly wet and soggy Christmas down south here in JB.

Thanks to the anchor chain steadfastly secured on all 4 corners of my shack, it was spared from being washed away in the torrential rain. As the water level rise rapidly to about 3 feet deep, I decided that it was time to evacuate to higher ground. Donning my bright orange lifejacket nicked from under the seat of our ailing national airline (I always knew it would come handy one day), I had my laptop puter in one hand and my potted cactus in the other.
Curling up in a fetal position and using the wall of my house as a launch pad, I kicked with all my might and propel myself like a torpedo ala Ian Thorpe out of the house to the safety of a waiting rescue yacht.

For I could not have lived without Wi-Fi internet, I had to be transferred to the nearest Starbucks as my relief center and has been surviving on Toffee Latte and Panini sandwiches since then. Thank you all for the SMS, YM messages and phone calls of concern. Please send monetary assistance also! LOL

I love you all so much that I’m dedicating this Dirty Sleigh Ride song to you!

I feel my pecker tingling, balls are jingling too,
Come on and tell me whether I can link them together with you.
I need a hot slit mommy to slip my salami into,
I must be over eager 'cos even you're beaver will do.

Get it up, get it up, get it up let's go, you're butt is too slow,
Start hopping like a rabbit in the snow.
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes my dear,
Hot jizz in your ear,
I know it's not easy for you hanging from that chandelier.

I need a new position for sperm ambition with you,
I wanna jam my putts in with both my nuts in your shoe.
I feel my pecker tingling, balls are jingling too,
Come on, it'll be so pleasant to pump my present in you

And if you have not gotten enough of Rudolph in your House, click here. You can go to Linpeh's blog to find out who sang which verse.

Well done all! Everyone sang very well! And a big Thank You to Linpeh for making this a success!

For fans of Eminen, I have something for you too. Click below for your Christmas rap. (this one ain't hokkien though)

Cheers and here’s wishing one and all, a very Merry Christmas!! Can’t wait to unwrap my presents.... Ho Ho Ho!!

P/S: To those who are technologically impaired on beta, I've disabled the anon comment, so keep 'em coming yeah! Sorry for not commenting as frequent as I should have. Been busy like a blue arse fly lately. Last Wednesday 20th Dec, Nothing To Crow About Turned 1. Didn't even have the time to blog about it.

WISHING YOU A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2006-12-30T18:02:00.000+08:00

2006 hasn’t been a bad year for me…. can’t really complain. One of the best things of course, was getting to know and met so many bloggers….weird ones, funny ones, and they come in all shapes and sizes.

I am definitely looking forward to welcome 2007 with open arms and legs!

To all my blogsphere friends and readers of Nothing To Crow About, I wish you a Happy ‘Kick Ass’ New Year!

One day At The Farm...

2007-01-09T18:06:00.000+08:00

One morning at the barn…I flew onto my favorite spot where HRH, another fence-sitter was perched, cupped her face in my hands and said the 3 little big words….”You are F-A-T !”

Truth is, I did not have to tell her…for she already knew.

Cocka: “Good morning. How’s my favorite silai today?”

HRH: in her hiao-hiao cluck: “Couldn’t be better, Cocka! Don’t you just love sitting out here on the fence and catching a whiff of fresh cow dung in the morning? Ahhh!! Life on the farm is so relaxing……”

Cocka: Oh yes! I just love perching on the fence…being neither here nor there, watching the world passes by…watching the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumping over the moon, and pssst!..*whisper* did you know the dishes eloped with the spoon last night?”

HRH: “Hah? Cluck! Cluck! Cluck! Wah….so happening ah?. But don’t bother lah. We are just fence sitters mah.”

Cocka: “Ya lor…we are the blue helmeted UN peacekeepers….
Hey! I noticed although you are on the fence, you have more of your arse on this side wor? Why is that so?”

HRH: “Can’t help it lah, my arse is too big….sure to spill more to one side of the fence. LOL. By the way, have you seen Lucifer? I thought she was sitting here not too long ago?”

Cocka: “She lost her balance and fallen over liao.

HRH: “Did she slip?”

Cocka: “she said someone pushed her wor. She is now on the ground stucked in some puddle of shit.”

HRH: “Hahaha…it’s hard to keep your balance sometimes, especially on a thin and narrow fence like this.

Cocka: “Yeah, perhaps we should just tear it down and build a much sturdier one like this…..

HRH: “Hahahha!! I don’t know lah. Ok got to fly off now…see you later”

Cocka: “Oi! Pegi mana?”

HRH: “I’m off to coop no.13 to witness a long standing feud.

2 cocks are fighting one another over me. Hee hee….The fencing match should be interesting. Come watch?”

Cocka: “Naw, not my cup of tea. I rather go start another blog”

HRH: “Really?? What are you calling it?”

Cocka: “Ermmm…how bout No Hope Liao? Or perhaps Floating craps?? Muahahahaha!!!" *Evil Laughter*

HRH: “How about me starting one simply titled ‘To Kill a Mocking Bird?”

Cocka: “Hahahaha!!! Mock Mock Mock Mock Mock Mock Mock Mock ...Ya do that …. Hey watch out!”

HRH: “W-What? Where?”

Cocka: “watch out for that crazy lord a-leaping over the fence! What's with the flower in his hand?”

HRH: "Check out those polka dots pants...true Fashionista"

The Passing Of A Friend....

2007-01-15T15:35:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday night at about 11.00pm, I was jolted from my otherwise, peaceful weekend evening by a call from a buddy in KL. He didn’t sound good. Choked with emotion he related that SH, another childhood friend of ours died. He took his life by consuming paraquat.

Fact is, he caught us all by surprise. There were never any suicidal tendencies or bad debts that we know of.

Why SH?
Why did you do it?
Who is going to look after your children, now that you are gone?
What the fuck were you thinking about??
Why did you choose the easy way out??

Geez…

Damn 9 chiong hei tag

2007-01-28T16:32:00.000+08:00

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Hi folks! Sorry for not updating of late. I have been busy like a green arse fly these couple of weeks and I’m waaaaaaaay…behind in this tag. I’m sure you’ll get to know me lots after going thru’ the questions yeah.

1) Are your parents married or divorced?
Were married. She was widowed in ’91 but she has since found someone nice from her church. I think that uncle must be tired of living also after knowing her. Hahahaha!!!

2) Are you a vegetarian?
No, my religion does not allow me to consume vegetables or any kind of greens. Only meat. Vegetables scream when you cut them.

3) Do you believe in Heaven?
Initially no, but now that a certain group says there are virgins awaiting especially when you blow yourself up….YES!!

4) Have you ever come close to dying?
Yes, when she sat on my face, I began to suffocate. *gasp!* Cunnilingus has never been this life-threathening before!

5) What jewellery do you wear 24/7?
Penis ring counted ah?.

6) Favourite time of day?
It has to be feeding time.

7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
No, see answer 2.

8) Do you wear makeup?
Only once. I painted the club colours on my face- red, white and green rings like a target.

9) Ever have plastic surgery?
No, but I am negotiating with my surgeon on the rates for a Brad Pitt look-alike.

10) Do you colour your hair?
Be specific can anot? Are you talking about hair on head? Pubic region? Armpits or chest??

11) What do you wear to bed?
Usually a dirty smile if I’m horny.

12) Have you ever done anything illegal?
a) Smoked pot

b) used my engineering expertise to modify kapcai bikes for Saturday nights illegal races

c) gang-banged a nympho with 3 others when I was 16.

13) Can you roll your tongue?
Around a nipple? Yes…can

14) Do you tweeze your eyebrows?
No. But I once shaved a friend’s eyebrows when he was out pissed drunk.

15) What kind of sneakers?
Fung Keong. Is this brand still around?

16) Do you believe in Abortions?
Only if the Pope got the nuns pregnant.

17) What is your Hair color?
See answer 10.

18) Future child’s name?
Shhhh!!! *Whisper* Legitimate or illegitimate ones? LOL.

19) Do you snore?
Yes, yes!! I score twice last week, sometimes three if I’m lucky. Wait! Did you say score or snore?

20) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
Baghdad. I heard they’ve got great fireworks display everynight!

21) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
No, my taxidermist said they looked better displayed prominently in the living room. That reminds me to go hunting for some more animals to stuff. A sun bear would be a nice addition.

22) If you won the lottery, what would you do first?
I’ll check and recheck whether it’s some African scam.

23) Gold or silver?
For melting down and making the Holy Cow I choose gold.

24) Hamburger or hot dog?
Hamburgers of course. It resembles the pussy when held up sideways. The oozing, dripping mayonaise that resembles love juice…begging to be lapped up…..

The cheesy smell…..

The musky beefy meat patty….mmm….

25) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
See question 24

26) City, beach or country?
Wherever got lenglui piaomeis, I go.

27) What was the last thing you touched?
Hers…

28) Where did you eat last?
At Jarrods & Rawlings with her and her.

29) When’s the last time you cried?
Reading the newspapers. I laughed so hard I cried. These days the local political scenes are damn funny. Frankly, I think they can do away with the comic strip. The whole newspaper IS indeed a comic and the country’s a circus!

30) Do you read blogs?
This is a trick question right? Tiu!

31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
Does kilt counts?

32) Ever been involved with the police?
Yep. Mostly bribing them.

But the most satisfying thing would be playing a game of rugby against them. When else could one get to sock or stomp on cops and get away with it?

33) What’s your favourite shampoo conditioner and soap?
Shampoo? What shampoo? soap and water will do the trick.
Soap : Popinjay, 333

34) Do you talk in your sleep?
Sometimes. On a couple of occasions, MOHA got quite upset because it wasn’t her name that was uttered.

35) Ocean or pool?
By the pool sipping cocktails, ogling at sweet young things. Bring on the nubiles!!

36) So, who has the original missing questions? #36, 37, 61, and 62?
Another trick question ah?.

37) Who would you take on a ménage à trois for a dirty weekend?
Don’t know wat wat menage.
But me and Ah Pek would rather have a romp with a Minachi for a spicy weekend. LOL

38) Window seat or aisle?
On the plane, definitely aisle. Can cuci mata with all those sexy stewardess. But of late, MAS stewardess all also damn cheh kai mya.

39) Ever met anyone famous?
Yes, Linpeh and Rojakz

40) Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?
Before or after taking up blogging?

41) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Cooked or uncooked spaghetti?? Not yet cook how to twirl? Tiu!

42) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey?
Mr Bean, can ah?

43) Basketball or Football?
I prefer watching ladies playing tennis. Those bouncing bor bor more interesting.

44) How long do your showers last?
Depends on who I am showering with. I like to scrub her back and she scrubs mine. A wild passionate lovemaking in the shower and all that foreplay can take 45 mins to 1 hour.

45) Automatic or do you drive a stick?
Stick…yes, I usually tie a carrot to the stick. The stupid mule loves chasing after it.
No, I have not seen an automatic donkey yet.

46) Cake or ice cream?
Ice cream….when I want to spread it all over her body and lick it off her.

47) Are you self-conscious?
No. I finally succeeded in dipping yau char kwai in a cup of café latte at Starbucks with all those prim and proper yuppies giving me disapproving stares.

48) Have you ever drank so much you threw up?
Hahahaa!! What do you think? Many moons ago, I got drunk and fell asleep behind the wheel at a traffic junction while waiting for the lights to change.

On numerous occasions, I could find my way home, but got just too pissed to open the door and go into the house. So I slept in the car.

Yes, threw up once while attempting the ‘Yard Glass’ drinking sprint.

49) Have you ever given money to a beggar?
No, but I remember when I was young we were so poor that we ended up robbing the burglar that broke into our house. LOL

50) Have you been in love?
Why keep a cow when milk is readily available from the supermarket?

51) Where do you wish you were?
Stranded on a dessert island with a dozen big boob bimbos, and only me could provide the only source of liquid protein. Hehe!

52) Are you wearing socks?
No, am wearing pantyhose over my head!

53) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Choi!

54) Can you tango?
No, I prefer a-go-go. You should have seen Nyonya Penang did hers at Redbox last week. LOL

55) Last gift you received?
That Christmas gift nicely wrapped up in ribbons…

56) Last sport you played?
Muff diving…12 hours ago.

57) Things you spend a lot of money on?
Massages, DVDs

58) Where do you live?
The flooded state.

59) Where were you born?
PJ Old town.

60) Last wedding attended?
Definitely not mine.

61) Spit or swallow?
Pussy juice - swallow.
Pubic hair- Spit

62) Favorite position?

Wheelbarrow.

63) Most hated food(s)?
All those food sold along the North-South Highway. Tiu..every stall also sells the same thing. How these people can survive I wonder.

64) What’s your least favourite?
Least favorite position ah? It has to be Farmer Sutra positions…unless you are Aussie. LOL

65) Can you sing?
Little bit lah…but I've been having this “Sha La La La La…” thingy in my head of late. LOL

66) Last person you instant messaged?
A hottie

67) Last place you went on holiday?
With the wife or piaomeis?

68) Favourite regular drink?
Earl grey

69) Current Song?
Dim Sum Girl….press here to listen.

70) Tag 3 suckers :
Linpeh, Rojakz and 9393…but knowing them these lazy farkers won’t give 2 hoots about it.

So here you go, KW! Done your tag liao!

Have a cuppa on me....

2007-02-04T16:02:00.000+08:00

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What comes to mind when you see establishments like Starbucks, Gloria Jean or Coffee Bean?

That’s right! A successful multi million dollar business having a global presence that consistently serves fine, quality coffee. Companies like these only buy the finest coffee beans directly from planters in South America and Indonesia, roast them in their highly protective roasting plants to ensure nothing but the best results.

Inspired by successful entrepreneurs like Howard Schultz,CEO of Starbucks, our friend Sengjai opened his first kopitiam…

A non believer of fanciful titles such as ‘baristas’, Sengjai and his international crew from Indonesia, Myamar and Bangladesh usually called themselves ‘1 leg kick’.

Business soon grew and he opened another outlet…with added products...KAYA TOASTS!

Taking the bold steps going regional…his first international outlet in Punjab. I think it’s called Ah Singh Café.

Competitive Advantage of Sengjai's Kopitiam vs. Starbucks

Gone are the days where he was constantly exposed to occupational hazards from a perpetually PMS lady boss…

…or the times when he only had bones to chew on.

This is another successful enterprising ‘don’t care, die die must try’ story. We are truly proud of him! Have a cuppa...

Happy Oink Oink Year!!

2007-02-17T00:20:00.000+08:00

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And finally.....we have come to the completion of the evolution cycle.

Here's wishing all the readers out there a happy Hog year. May you be blessed with abundance of swill & mud to wallow and immerse in!

...stay cool throughout the year....

.....with plenty of love to spread around......

.....good things come in pairs, so double your wealth & happiness yeah!

Gong Xi Fa Cai!
I think I'll go for a pig out session now. German pork knuckles anyone?
This song goes out to her for cooking up a storm... Yeah! Let's Wok the Party!

Chinese Solutions For Chinese Problems

2007-02-21T13:53:00.000+08:00

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They say, "don't ask; don't tell". But you have to see these. Just don't ask where I got them!

A Chinese airline pilot requested permission and landed at Frankfurt for an unscheduled refuelling stop. The reason soon became apparent to the ground crew.

The No. 3 engine had been shutdown previously because of excessive vibration, and because it didn't look too good. But this, apparently, had presented no problem for the tough guys back in China: they took some sturdy straps and wrapped them around two of the fan blades and the structures behind. That stopped any unwanted windmilling (engine spinning by itself due to airflow passing through the fan blades during flight) and the associated uncomfortable vibration caused by the suboptimal fan. (For anybody who is not familiar with a jet engine, a jet fan blade should be perfectly smooth.)

Note that the straps are seat belts -- how resourceful! After making their "repairs", the Chinese flew off across Europe on another revenue-making flight, with only three engines! The resulting increased fuel consumption meant that they got a bit low on fuel, so they just set the aircraft down at nearest airport for a quick refill.

That's when their problems started: The Germans, who are kind of picky and strict about these stuff, inspected the malfunctioning engine and immediately grounded the aircraft. Besides the seat belts, notice the appalling condition of the fan blades. The airline operator had to send a chunk of money to get the first engine replaced (took about 10 days).

The repair contractor decided to do some impromptu inspection work on the other engines, none of which looked all that great either. The result: a total of three engines were eventually changed on this aircraft before it was permitted to fly again.

It only goes to show how much value they place on human lives. You might want to think twice before you fly on a Chinese Airline...

I think their catch phrase is "Now, Everyone Can Fry...."

Ingenious Use of Door Frames

2007-02-28T18:05:00.000+08:00

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Remember the time when we were kids and our parents line you up against the door frame to mark how tall you've grown and dated the mark?

Well, this cartoon brings a whole new perspective to that exercise!

Yin Yeong Tag

2007-03-10T14:44:00.000+08:00

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I was tagged by the mafia on this. When I refused to do it, I woke up next to a dead hamster....Arrrghhhh!!!!!
Ok, ok finally done. Please don't harm my pets anymore... LOL

1.Coke or Pepsi?
Royal Crown Cola. Anyone remember this?

2. KFC or McDonald’s?
A&W

3. Häagen-Dazs or Baskin-Robbins?
Errr…..Ice kacang

4. Coffee Bean or Starbucks?

Neither...Give me Restoran Big Cup anytime. That’s where these girls hang out. The restoran even has a sign inside that says “Titoki Not Allowed” Muahahaha!!!

Good work girls! Your push-up bras did wonders!

5. Nike or Adidas?.
Adidas of course….official sponsor for the All Blacks

Nike? Naw…They only sponsor 1 black.

6. Mercedes-Benz or BMW?

If you have seen my sleek Lada…you’d change your mind about Benz or Beemer.

Now pay attention to the nano tech, aero-dynamically designed , wind tunneled tested, strategically mounted for maximum visual effect spoiler, Ah Lian magnet. Check out the exhaust too. Every Ah Beng would kill to get one.

7.UK or U.S.?
Between Ulu Kelang and Ulu Selangor, I think I’ll go for the former. At least the seafood there is better, coconut flower wine……bak kut teh

8. Paris or Rome?
Paris is full of dog poo all over the pavement….blardy humsap Frenchmen that can’t leave MOHA alone ….

Rome….artistic capital with plenty of grafittis…pickpockets…gypsies….traces of LB’s

9. Céline Dion or Mariah Carey?
Neither! Give me Notorious MSG anytime! My current favorite is “Straight Out of Canton” playing at my blog now.

Wow! You guys are awesome! “Wok The Party” has hit over 2,600 downloads from my blog . Simply amazing! These 3 chinatown cooks turned rappers are the very same people who brought you Dimsum Girl.

Oops! Your question again? What what Drew Carey?

10. Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera?
Neither…ok ok I can tolerate Christina but I can’t stand Britney’s voice. She sounds as if she’s singing in between blowjobs. And her dance moves are awful. Her love handles and belly are more suited for Bollywood flicks or QBB ghee commercials….geez!

11. Brad Pitt or David Beckham?
Beckham sounds like a queer whenever he speaks.
Some people says I look like Brad Pitt. LOL

*passes out the barf bags*

Or was it Pitbull??

12.Dad or mum?
Dad for his wisdom and mum for her cooking.

13. Movie or music?
Bollywood movies! Got romance, got tragic, got happiness, got fight scenes, got dancing, got singing, got sceneries....come to think of it, it’s the only movie worth watching. So many goodies packed in one.

14. Windows or Mac?
Sitting by the Windows chomping down a Mac…my ideal evening past time!

15. PC or lappie?
Give me the lappie dancer anytime.

I don’t have any use for a Police Constable unless dedicating limericks like this one to them;

There once a policeman from Clapham Junction,
Who professed that his tool couldn’t function
He deceived his poor wife
For the rest of his life
By using the length of his truncheon!

Nah LB! ….done your tag liao!

Weekend cheers...

2007-03-18T03:00:00.000+08:00

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Two Crocodiles were basking in the sun at the side of the Lake Gardens.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said................

I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me....we're the
same age.....

we were the same size as kids....... I just don't get it ?"

"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the
Parliament House."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their cars and wait for one to
unlock the car door.

Then I jump out..... grab them by the leg..... shake the shit out
of them and eat 'em !"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "that's where you're going wrong !

You're not getting any real nourishment...... !"

"You See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician,

there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase !"

6 Weird Facts Tag

2007-03-19T22:07:00.000+08:00

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This hottie mama tagged me and demanded to know 6 weird facts about me.

Well, here goes…..

1) I have weird dreams every now and then.
Last night, I dreamt that this guy was canonized! Holy Cow! Mother of God!
Saint George Bush??

I also dreamt that Brad Pitt has a bad hair day….weird anot?

2) I truly love listening and singing songs with bastardized lyrics. Definitely one of my favorite past times. Used to sing them on Hash Nights over a beer frenzy. Yes.. Weird Al Yankovic tops them all!

3) Apart from sumo-wrestling that I follow religiously, I like mud-wrestling too. Used to watch the matches at a pub near Dieppe, Sembawang Singapore many moons ago before the authorities decided to shut it down. They claimed that it was indecent back then.

4) I don’t watch soccer. Weird mou? I get disgusted seeing footballers pretend to fall and agonize over trivial bumps. The players are over rated too. The supporters? Mainly ill-disciplined and unruly. Ok, flame me if you want, but that’s my opinion. Hahaha!

5) I was tailing this guy in JB last week. I didn’t know he is for real. Luckily didn't crash into him. So Darth is from kiasuland??

6) I wash and re-use my condoms. You say weird mou?

There Sasha! Done your tag already! And now....it's my pleasure to tag King's Wife because she's too lazy to update her post.

Marooned On An Island.....

2007-04-02T00:47:00.000+08:00

Huah! Must be my lucky week! Over the last couple of weeks I was twiddling my thumbs, scratching my balls because there were no tags coming my way.

Then all of a sudden…3 tags!!!! 1 by the Doc, 1 by Laundryamah and another by Concubine W.

Ok, since I’m in a good mood this week, I shall do 1 at a time yeah. First come, first served.

Doc wants to know which 6 bloggers will I bring along if I’m marooned on a desert island.

Lucas & Ah Boy…afterall, they are Man’s best friends. I can train them to hunt. And when the island runs out of wildlife…..here’s what they'll become.

*salivating* Hee hee

LB….I would think LB is indeed instrumental in getting us rescued. I could use his shiny top to transmit Morse Code by reflecting the sun’s ray to attract the attention of passing planes or ships like one would with a mirror!

Wingz…His natural buoyancy would serve as an advantage. I can strap him onto me and use him as a lifejacket. I could also straddle him and paddle him to the open sea like a raft.

We could all hide behind him in times of strong winds and tidal waves. And if he kicks the bucket before us, we could always use his hide to build a tent……a very large tent. Ok,ok ..something the size that can house the whole troupe of Cirque Du Soleil. Muahahahahaha!!!! *evil laughter*

Next, I won’t mind the company of Ah Ben and his violin, for I’ll expect him to perform Toccata and Fugue in D minor while I laze back in my hammock amongst the palm trees sipping toddy, enjoying the breeze amidst the gentle sounds of breaking waves.

Last but not least, I would welcome the company of the hottest babe in blogsphere….*drumroll…............................tada!!!!* .....Jessbabe.!!!!!

In fact, she is so hot that she could change the temperature of the sea and I wanna put her to good use……

....like helping me catch fish…..

Why restrict myself to 6? Given a choice I’d beg for the company of Angel, for she looks like she is cut out to hack & chop firewood, and Winn, who has the skills to climb coconut trees!

There you go Chen. 1 down, 2 to go!

Chapter 10- The 47 (1 kicked the bucket) Concubines

2007-04-04T00:18:00.000+08:00

Before Concubine W bled to death, draining her body of blue cheese, mustard & ketchup, she tagged me to continue with this ever-confusing and scandalous story of the Cunt-cubines. (pardon the southern accent)

With the demise of Concubine W, the Palace was thrown into chaos! Hopes of endless supply of His Royal Highness’ fresh milk were dashed. Saddened by her sudden departure from the episode, the Emperor ordered a royal inquiry into the scandals that has been long plagued the palace. He wants to know who has been screwing around with his concubines!

Deviously, he summoned the Royal Entertainer Wang to tap into the palace grapevine.

Conniving amongst the echelons of concubines (especially those that has been frequently overlooked) , eunuchs, and palace cockroaches, he was finally rewarded amply with more than he could handle.

On the night of the Grand Banquet, the opera troupe directed, choreographed and acted by Wang, was conveyed with much subtle message in the form of Chinese opera…….

Toook…took chiang! Toook tooook chiang chiang chiang……..

The opening scene….depicting the ‘Emperor’ , ‘Phoenix Empress’ , Concubines W,A,C, M. Yes…Concubine M is the one with the biggest boobs.

Scene 2….the ‘Captain of the Guards’ frolicking with 2 of the many concubines….

Scene 3…The ‘Emperor’s romp in the park with Concubine xxxx while Prince Moh looks on and wank himself silly.

Scene 4…Concubines M, A & C tied & tormented W.
There was also a part where they dripped wax on her *censored*

Scene 5…The ‘Imperial Executioner’ (top right) fits of rage drove him to defy higher orders after learning the death of Concubine W took matters into his own hands to seek justice and chased one of the Concubines with kkc chariot.

As the final curtains fall (psst! Chinese opera got curtains or not ah? I forgot already) the stage was drenched in cum mixed with other bodily fluids…will the Emperor punish those liable for Concubine W’s death? Will he take Entertainer Wang to a romp in the park? Or will personally supervise the guillotine on the Captain?

I shall now pass the baton to Sengjai.

I Wanna Rock The Qasbah!

2007-04-14T15:38:00.000+08:00

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This long overdue tag was from Amah weeks ago! Finally found time to do it. No hard feelings yeah!

In typical 3 gu 6 por fashion, she likes to know which nook and crannies I like to visit.

Well, while the majority of us tend to go to those overly commercialized places, I choose the ‘cradle of civilization’.....Iraq!

...and mingle with the friendly locals

The latest attraction of this country are the newly created golf courses…
You can bet your ass every stroke would be a hole in one!

Check out the aerial view of the courses...

It’s a buggy course, so there’s no necessity for caddies or you to haul your golf bags.

Enjoy the beautiful and romantic view of dusk ….

And the nightly fireworks display…..

Don't forget to dropby at the botanical gardens.....

Who could ask for more?

Who Let The Dogs Out??

2007-04-20T01:17:00.000+08:00

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The other day, this hottie’s blogged about her hubs leaving the house gate opened and her dog took flight at the sight of his new found freedom.

I have seen this happened too many times. Since then, as a safety measure, I always make it a point to ensure the gate closes properly before driving off every morning.

Hottie is so depressed at this moment and she is pleading to anyone who knows the whereabout of BoboChacha please bring him home to her. This could help spare Big C’s life.

Last I heard, she was pasting posters of BoboChacha all over town in her hope of finding him again..

So, in solidarity of another fellow blogger, I ask of you readers to come together and help her find BoboChacha.

Internet Marketing Survey Questionnaire

2007-04-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

This Frostier eat full nothing to do, go and conduct this survey by circulating the following questionnaire.

So, I hope his university would find my 2-sen worth of contribution fruitful....

How many movies do you download in a month averagely? Please state genre as well.

Cannot reveal. Afterwards you go report 9 me they will jail me and throw away the keys.

Mainly blue movies lah.

What type of internet connection do you possess? Unlimited connectivity?

I dunno the speed. Usually I download at the nearest internet café or Starbucks to avoid authorities’ detection. Hahaha!

Do you find the internet speed slow?

Damn farking slow lah. You know, we got Cyber this cyber that, Multimedia Super Corridor lah, smart this, smart that also no use when we got not-so-smart people running those establishments.

How do you download movies off the internet? FTP? P2P?

FTP means what ah? Fiddling The Penis ah?

P2P I know lah…..it’s pee to pee, right? It’s derived from the adage “To pee or not to pee?” That is the question.

Please state a few websites you use to download such movies.

Niamah! You think I stupid ah? How do I know you are not working for FINAS? After tell you ledi you buggers go and block those sites? Tiu!

Name a few advantages you experience downloading movies instead of purchasing them in other mediums (DVD/VCD).

First, I get to see the whole movie instead of those chopped up version dictated by some ‘holier than thou’ censor board.

Second, these days they got Lucky and Flo to sniff out those discs, so Uncle Ho’s supply could be choked.

How do you watch these movies? Using your computer? Ipod? Other gadgets?

What computer and IPod? I watch them on my Bravia home theater system lah.
I can never understand how some people can watch movies on their cell phones or Ipod.

What do you do while waiting for the movie downloads?

Usually I fiddle around with my kukujiao while waiting for the movie to download.

In the near future would you pay for your movie downloads?

You got too much money ah? Like all Malaysians, I only go for free things.

If legal downloads of movies are available with commercials. Would you still download them?

Legal means what? Those censored ones ah?

Legal means they will start charging for the downloads? Do you think consumers will pay for the downloading time of the commercials as well? Siao ah you? Summore our Malaysian commercials damn fake wan. You’ll see both parents are locals but their kids are usually Eurasians. You say fake anot?

Would you watch movies via live streaming channels online? Such as PP Stream? Why?

No…our internet so 9 slow how to watch? Take for example, if you are watching those blue movies online…KNN that fella take forever to lick, thurst and pull because the streaming speed is so farking slow. Potong stim only

Besides downloading movies, how do you watch new movies? Rent? Purchase?

Buy from Uncle Ho lah. I hardly go to the cinemas these days because I hate being interrupted by those farking Ah Bengs who dunno how to switch off the cell phones when I’m watching a movie. Damn 9 irritating!

Do you own a laptop or a desktop?

Both lah..with canggih sound systems summore.

What operating system do you use?

The modus operandi I use to avoid detection from FINAS is ‘cat and mouse’ system.

They come, we run! LOL

Now that they got Lucky and Flo, we may need to spray a coat of pepper on the discs. Muahahahaha!!!

Demographics Questions
Age: 25 (at heart)
Occupation: Ah Long
Nationality: Fresh off the boat
Internet usage per day: 25 hrs
Education Background: I no study wan.

Hope you are happy now, Frostier. LOL

My Other Half......

2007-05-05T01:35:00.000+08:00

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Zara & Ziraffa's Mama tagged me and wanted to know why I married my other half and what are the passions we share.
You really want to know ah? Here goes........

1. Prior to sowing the oats, The 'Plough' must be good and the arable land fertile....

2. Then you need 'Wheelbarrow' for the abundance of harvest.....

3. and a good 'Grip' of our relationship...

4. At times, compromise is eminent when she wants to be 'on top' of things...

5. Other times, put her on a leash and let her know who is the master and who is the 'Doggie' .....hahaha!
6. We enjoy taking time (and clothes) off to play games together like 'Hopscotch'

7. Or meditating in the 'Lotus' position to achieve peace of mind....

8. Taking a leisurely scenic ride to the orgasmic 'Humpback Bridge'......

9. Discovering religion with the 'Norwegian cross'......

10. Above all, she must have strong arms to carry my provision of beer! Muahahahaha!!!

For the 10 reasons why she pisses me off, please listen to the hokkien song featured with this post. Let it load a while yeah!
Have a good weekend!

Good Vibes Birthday Wishes!!!

2007-05-12T10:34:00.000+08:00

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Here’s wishing A. H. A. P. P. Y. V. E. R. Y. B. I. R. T. H. D. A. Y. T. O. A. H. M. A. Y.!!!!

To complete the furnishing of her new love pad (or crow's nest), the most ideal gift for May starts with the letter ‘D’.

DILDO!!

……of various shapes and sizes.

……I would have wanted to give you an antique version of the world’s first steam engine driven dildo.

..but I’d reckon it’ll be difficult to transport it to Oz.

Subsequently, I found a smaller version at this place..

And they do door to door delivery…

It is less bulky and you can even play ‘fetch’ with your doggie with it.

So, watch out for it in your mailbox, yeah.

Have a good birthday, sweetie!

To Those Celebrating Their Birthdays This Week...

2007-05-19T18:24:00.000+08:00

Aha! Here's something appropriate for those celebrating their birthdays this week!

Have a great time yeah, Winn & JL .

OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter", means not getting up to pee.

Have a good weekend ahead!

My First Sponsored Post

2007-05-22T02:02:00.000+08:00

.These days, it’s not uncommon to see some of my favourite bloggers turning pro by writing sponsored posts. She makes tons of money with her arse firmly planted on her chair writing articles for ‘pay per post’. He 'threw in the spanner' on his hardware shop because blogging helps pay off his tai yi long. Even this goldfish u nker discovered how lucrative it can be.

Since I spend an average of 8 hours behind the computer anyway, I reckon I might as well jump on the bandwagon and make me some kopi money. So, welcome to Cocka’s first sponsored post! Tada…..

Recently I took delivery of a Made In Tiongkok HP Pavillion dv2000 that come pre-installed with Windows Vista™. Now if you do encounter some problems with the Logitech mouse since some MouseWare do not support Windows Vista, you may want to check out these steps.

Click Here and move you mouse across the screen and see if anything happens.

By the way, this post is sponsored by Hugh Heffner! LOL

Weekend Cheers & my 100th post.

2007-05-26T08:25:00.001+08:00

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favour.

The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate $10 million to the Vatican .."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help.
I'll donate $20 million if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate.

"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $50 million to The Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $50 million to
the Vatican ."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we're losing the Gardenia account."