Nothing to Crow About

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This post is dedicated to the one who wants to put a spell on me, voodoo me and set my moustache alight. .....LOL

And I thought perhaps, the accompanying song "Masochism Tango" is so relevant for this occassion. Enjoy the song!

It was about 6 pm when I was caught at the infamous Seremban crawl. Instead of getting all worked up and very kan cheong like I usually do in bad traffic situation, I tried picturing what goes on in the other bloggers preparation for the meet:


Zara’s Mama:
ZMM: “Tuyam! Tuyam! Cepat-cepat datang tolong saya tarik ini corset kuat-kuat. Satu, dua, tarik....satu ,dua tarik”
(Tuyam! Tuyam! Come quick and help me bind up this corset. One ,two pull......one two pull!)

Tuyam: “Ya mam…., ummmphh!! Apa pasal malam ini mau pakai corset, mam? Ada dinner penting kah”
(Yes ma'am, ummmmphh!! Why do you need to put on a corset, ma'am? Is there an important dinner tonite?)

ZMM: “Bukan lah! Saya tak mau itu celaka mya Cocka comment saya ada spare tayar lah. Banyak malu lah……cepat tarik kuat lagi, Tuyam”
( No lah! I just don't want that blardy cocka commenting on my spare tyres again. It's embarassing......hurry, pull the cords harder, Tuyam)

Tuyam: “Ummmphhh!!! Ma’am….Banyak susah mau tarik. Saya tarik sini, itu tayar keluar sana, saya tarik sana, dia keluar sini“

(Ummmmphhh!!! Ma'am.....It's hard to bind it. I pull here the tyre sticks out from there, ....I pull there it sticks out from here)

ZMM: “haiyah!”


King’s Wife:
“Cocka commented on my cleavage he saw the blouse I wore to Ipoh. Hmmm….maybe I should wear another one of those Triumph super-duper Maximizer, uplifting, “making mountains out of molehills” bra. He would certainly bowl over when he sees me”

Actual: But I was to be disappointed….because the longkang was all covered up!

Ah May:
“LinPeh said to wear as little as possible. Jomel said better cover up or risk LinPeh talking to those boobs. Cocka said if I have it, I should flaunt it”
I think I’ll take Cocka’s advice.

Standing in front of the mirror, tossing her newly tinted hair, tucked in tummy, sticking out chest and practicing batting eyelids furiously to create sparks;
“Cocka said I got smiling eyes. Must set him on fire tonight”

Actual: Ah May is such a demure, sweet and shy girl in person….and pretty too. There is something in her captivating smile that would tame even the wildest maniac like Lin Peh. She mentioned about starting on her 4th decade, but believe me, she looks like she is only in her 20s ...no crow's feet, no saggy boobs (Lin Peh confirmed this)

I still find it hard to believe she actually wrote Chapter 11 of the Lin Dynasty. She must’ve been possessed then.



Siau Char Boh
“I am going to hiao-hiao with Seng Kor tonight. Since Jomel won’t be coming, I’ll have him all to myself. Wonder spring chicken can last how long hor? What happens if he leaves me high and wet? Never mind, if all else fails still got one old cock there”

Actual: SCB really has the ‘ass-ets’ to hiao hiao wan. I had the privilege to do a quick scan from top to toe when we bump into each other as she was walking to the loo. Boy! You should see her wiggle those love handles!


9393

Thinking to himself:” I must go late-late and make an impressive grand entrance. Wahh….Imagine I come around and everyone introducing themselves to me just like a VVIP saying, Ohh!!! Look! Here comes 9394….what an honor to meet you”

Actual: He came late all right, but he certainly had a hard time guessing who is who because no one introduced themselves. It was rather amusing observing his antics.


Seng Kor
Having a Man to penis heart to heart talk,
“You know, you’ve been with me all these years and I’ve never been with a woman.
Your best friend has always been my clasped hand around you.

But tonight, tonight…..I’m taking you to places you’ve never been. Doing things you’ve never done before. SCB is going to teach you a few tricks. So long virginity”

Actual: Don’t under-estimate this chap. He is quite well known in all the massage joints circles in town. Just walk in to any massage parlor and mention Seng Kor’s name. Chances are SCB look-a-likes are going to swarm you!


Lin Peh

Notorious! Loud mouth, full of profanities!

Actual: Notorious! Loud Mouth and Full of Profanities! ......and these are only the good points! Hahahahahhaaa!!!!!

Rojakz:
In my mind, I really thought this guy would look something like his profile pic. Having seen pictures of his son Lil’ Devil, I would imagine him to be of average built. ........But I was wrong! I was dead wrong!

Actual: Rojakz is L-A-R-G-E. .....H-U-G-E. ........H-U-M-O-N-G-O-U-S!
Geeez! The amount of lard he has, if they so decide to cremate him, he would burn for 3 days and 3 nights . Muahahahaha!!!!


GBYeow & KL Podcast
You guys are being spared from my comments this time around because I don’t know very much about you. In fact, I have not even been to your blogs, but rest assured, I will.

The next time, you won’t be so lucky. Hehe!

To everyone, thank you for a wonderful evening and filling it with so much laughter.
I certainly look forward to the next one. Actually, all of you are a wonderful lot. I am truly glad that we finally met. Thank you all!

Last nite at bout 9pm, I received SMS from Lin Peh:

LP: You check the blog already ah? Anyone posted our faces anot? If yes I'm going to bomb the fucker/fuckee house.

Cocka: No time to check yet. Just got back to JB. Don't worry, your face so fucked up, who dare to post them on their blogs? LOL

LP: Fuck You lah!

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China.

They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

Bu, called himself "Buck."

Chu called himself "Chuck."

Fu decided to return to China

An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilt conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germansentered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it."

"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi. "Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."

"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favours, which she did, repeatedly."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said,"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

"The priest said,"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied,"Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.

A friend of mine forwarded this to me. Think I might just give it try after being stopped twice.....diu!! And each time it's RM300 bucks 'on the spot fine'.

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car,switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night),flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyser test. To his amazement the Breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyser equipment must be broken.

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

True story...