Nothing to Crow About

Some siao bloggers 'eat full nothing to do' decided to write a pass the baton story.
I have no idea how I got involved in this because I did not register my name in the first place.

The story revolves around the Lin family (Lin Chin Hsia & Lin Foong Jiao not included) and chapter 1 of the story from Lin Peh will tell you more.
Chapter 2 was completed by Pee Jay and subsequently Auntie wrote Chapter 3

If you want to partake in this siao activity and risk having your head shaved bald, please refer to the terms and condition found at Lin Peh's blog.

Auntie Helen felt a lump in her throat when she saw Unke Lin entered the room escorted by two mangkali guards and walking terkangkang from all that rear-boring. It was like deep-throating a fat dick and she had forgotten to pull it out.

“Hi, how have you been? I brought your youngest son Lin Peh to see you. I’ve been taking real good care of him”, said Helen beaming with pride as she watches tentatively as Unke Lin slowly ease his well-bored ass down to the chair.As the pain in his arse subsides, with a sigh of relief he asked; “Have you been imparting your yamade skills to him as well?

”“Yes, I can’t help it. I am so in love with you and he carries such a strong resemblance of you! I have to yamade with him and fantasize that it is you in your absence in spite of his 3-inch manhood and premature ejaculations!!!” replied Helen without a tinge of remorse.
“10 fucking years is a long time to wait you know!”

Keeping his calm and composure Unke Lin replied; “I’ll be out of this hole in a month. I’m going to miss all my jail mates, my lovers, the kitchen helper’s kinky rolling pin, and the wardens’ roughened and splintered truncheons etc….then we can catch up on all those lost time, my dear Helen. We gonna make wild love to Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs, She Bangs”



The Seductress…..

Lin Peh knew the time has come for his father would claim the reigns of his mistress. He recalled vividly how as a 14 year old boy, he was seduced by the cunning and conniving Auntie Helen. She would deliberately call for him to her room and ask the frightened lad to massage her tired neck with her seated in front of the dressing table. As he massaged her with his inexperience hands, she would deliberately allow her satin night gown shoulder strap to carelessly slip down exposing her voluptuous milky white breasts. He would watched with awe and jaws agape at the rising and falling of her perfectly molded heaving breasts in momentum of each breath drawn and expelled from the reflection of the mirror. His aching kkc would be begging to be released from the clutches of his shorts. Auntie Helen would repeatedly teased him for several months with this wanton exhibitionism, not bothered to cover up each time her gown slips. This was simply too much for a young man to bear.

One day, as Lin Peh could no longer contain his teenage raging hormones, he violated and ravaged her pet poodle! Caught in the acts of copulation and getting stucked, Helen had no choice but to pour a bucket of water at the coupled genitals of Lin Peh and the poodle to cool them off. It was from then on, Auntie Helen in her quest to save her poodle gave herself to Lin Peh instead.

Flashback of Unke Lin’s life in Pudu jail…..

These 10 years of his life was a dark chapter in his biography. Tormenting his thoughts was Unke Lin’s plans of seeking revenge on those who did him harm, who humiliated him beyond comprehensible words Unke Lin vowed to convert them to Christianity …the biggest punishment mankind could fathom! LOL

While in prison, he befriended a ‘born-again’ Christian named Fanshee Yau who was instrumental in showing Unke Lin the ‘right path.’

Fanshee a hardcore criminal from sunhill was doing time for robbing and raping frail, old, helpless ladies. He was often left to rot in solitary confinement cells with no luxury of proper sewage and lighting. Afraid of the dark and poor sanitation, one could often hear him cussing and banging his head at the slammer door; “Kan nee nah ma! One day when I am released, I’m going to build power stations to light up farking Bolehland and and make the gahmen buy power from me. And I’m going to buy up enough farking water facilities to flush my lifetime shit away, niamah lu, you just wait!”

The two met while playing one of those Unke Lin’s ‘who will sleep with who tonite’ spin the bottle game. With a talent for gaming Unke Lin has always initiated many forms of gambling while in prison.One of his favorites has always been ‘Musical Dicks’. Fashioned out from the nursery school’s ‘musical chairs’, Musical Dicks would have several participants with an erection, seated on every chair.

The players will then go round and round the chairs laid out in a circular arrangement to the tune of the music. As the music stops, players would rush and sit on the seated participants’ erected dick. Those who could not find a dick to sit on will be dropped from the game. Research funded by United Nations and conducted by some of the top notched psychologists concludes that the benefits of this game has helped prisoners dispel the possibility of emotional bonding towards only one partner as the game encourages one to sit on multiple dicks throughout the duration. Hence, it is deemed as healthy to the body and mind.

Disclaimer : This story is make up of all fictional characters. If anyone resembles any of the fictional character in this story, it must be purely coincidental because our prisons don’t have such games. To cover my arse, go find Lin Peh. He started it! LOL

I am passing the Olympic torch to Ah Pek

I’ve been twiddling my thumb and looking forward to this concert since I missed it’s debut performance in KL last year. Got off from work early to avoid the mad causeway jam and drove to the ‘Durian’ at Kiasu-land.

Yep, concert starts at 7.30pm but I was already there at 5.00 (lagi kiasu) enjoying a nice cool beer and a club sandwich at one of the many bistros overlooking the Merlion.

It was a good thing I booked the ticket before CNY because the concert was a sold-out.
By 7.00pm the crowd of mixed ages ranging from 20 plus to 60s dressed to the nines was already streaming into the concert hall orderly ushered to their seats. Quite a lot of them were silais….hmm..that’s the reason for the full house. I’m pretty sure our bunch of hiao-hiao blogger silais would find Patrizio Buanne very leng chai and a great baritone singer too…if you like oldies and Italian songs.

What really pissed me off was the announcement by the theater management that no photography or audio recording, mobile phone cameras blah-blah-blah any form of recording is allowed. They reserve the right to confiscate those items! Niamah!!! WTF!! I brought my camera and they tell me that I can’t even snap a picture of my favorite singer also ah? Blardy effing kiasu! So, I’ll just have to be guai-guai, contended with watching and listening and not risk having the bouncers throw me out.

The accompanying orchestra was up to the mark and the sound system was commendable. Most of all, Patrizio’s voice was impeccably wonderful. His rendition of Amore Scusami, A Man Without Love, Il Mondo was so beautifully delivered….and the women went crazy when he randomly reached out to them with a rose and a kiss. I was anticipating some silais to hurl underwears at him, but I was to be disappointed.

The showmanship was remarkable and he kept the audience captivated with his typical fast talking Italian accented english jokes, sing alongs and energetic dances that filled the hour and half long show. Towards the end, it was the usual ‘tarik harga’ encore, standing ovations continuous clapping to coax him back for the last couple of songs.
On the scale of 1-10…..I would rate it 7.

Zara Mama tagged me on this to find out which era I was from.
Aiyah..want to find out how old I am just ask lah. Why like Bollywood movies like that beat around the bush?

1. Name one of the actor of the old days that you missed the most
-Robert Redford

2. Name a cartoon of the old old days
-Wacky Races/Scooby Doo

3. Name a singer/group of the old days
-Electric Light Orchestra (ELO) synthesized music
Actually, I’ve got more. I also listened to Fleetwood Mac

4. Band of the old days
-Dire Straits
Actually Bay City Rollers were kind of an ‘in thing’ back then.

5.TV Series of the old days
-Dallas…..eck!!!

6. Actress of Old Days
-Victoria Principal..... She oozes a lot of magnetism.

7. Fashion of Old Days that you miss the most
-Bell Bottoms, shirts opened to expose the hairless chest. LOL

8. Movie of Old Days
-Rocky

9. Music Video of Old Days
-Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band

10. Coolest Song of Old Days
-Disco Inferno-a must in every party and disco.
-Disco Duck- yeah you should check out the moves. A lot of people danced like a duck back then.
-Play that Funky Music-by Wild Cherry. This one is real hot!

3 persons I like to tag is;
-5xmom
-Lilian Chan
-Mrs. ATM

Geez.....now I feel damn old already. LOL

The other day, I can’t help but recall this comment by a famous mama blogger who has been married for many years. Her Valentine wish was something like this;

"Then again, if I can do it again, I want the same heart but different body can ah? Taller by 6 inches, darker by two shades, voice deeper by three bass, longer by errmmm 2 inches, diameter 1 inch can liao, tahan lasak by several hours, more skillfull like pOrnstar LOL. Ohmmm...genie can you grant this wish? "

I wonder if the majority of women view their spouses as ‘inadequate’ after some years of marriage. ….like in this picture. (courtesy of strangecosmos.com)

What about you guys out there? Do you agonize having to make love to a deadwood? Or while you are humping furiously away she'll be , like Seng Kor said, "chik lang sarm" (knitting) and eating kua chi without a care in the world?

The sky was blue and the moon was high…
We were alone just she and I.

Her hair was brown, her body fine,
as I ran my finger along her spine.

With some courage, I did my best
I placed my hand upon her breast

My other hand trembled, as did my heart
When I gently spread her legs apart

I knew she was ready, but I didn’t know how
For that was the first time I milked a cow.

Flowers blossom in spring greets the arrival of the migratory swallows….
Diu..sounds more like a Lin Chin Hsia and Chin Han love story from decades ago.

Ok, I shall share with you people out a wonderful love story (kisah benar) this Valentine involving one of my subordinates because I had a hand in it. For simplicity, I shall call him Chin Han and the girl of his dreams, Lin Chin Hsia.

Chin Han was a young engineer recruited from KL and banished to JB 2 years ago. Maintaining a long distance courtship is never easy, and Chin Han would only go back to woo the girl of his dreams on certain weekends whenever he is not traveling as the job requires. To make matter worse, all his childhood mates and ‘chee pang kau yau’ were also in KL, and that adds to his loneliness.
Some of us romantic fools might still think that the old adage, “absence makes the heart grows fonder” still holds true, but believe me these days, in our fast paced world, your prospective girl would think otherwise…. more like “Out of sight, out of mind” if you are constantly not around.

Anyway, after some months, I noticed that Chin Han lost the fire and the drive to work. Having a chat with him over some drinks, he confided that he got wind from his buddies that Lin Chin Hsia is seeing someone else. He felt that he needs to declare his love soon or else he would loose her forever. Since it was nearing Valentine’s Day, Chin Han thought it would be a good chance to do so on the day itself and so he called to arrange for the date. His world came crumbling down when she declined, saying that someone has already invited her out to dinner on the 14th. What now? All of us in the office felt sorry for this love-sick cow and we tried comforting him. “Aiyah…not only one fish in the sea mah… This one got away catch another one lor. Eh, our office wan also not bad hai mai?” (Actually, our office gurls damn cheh kai wan but can make good wives lah. See, nature compensates itself, but that’s another story)

Then it dawned on me to ask him to fix the dinner date with Lin Chin Hsia on the 13th Feb instead.
“Huh? Why one day early ah?,” he asked.

“Look, you take her out on the 13th which is the eve of Valentine’s Day, right? Anyway, on the last minute it’s too late to book a table for any romantic candle light dinner on the 14th already. Moreover, that night so blardy crowded where got romantic, right? So, you go on the eve where the restaurants are not so crowded”- I explained

“Where do you suggest I take her ah?”- Chin Han asked.

“Try Tamarind Springs in Ampang, near the Flamingo Hotel. It has a very romantic setting, but be prepared to spend money. After dinner you can jalan-jalan at the park outside the restaurant there”, sounding like a ‘chau see’ expert.

“Then what?”- he asked.

Me: “During dinner, that’s the time to catch up on lost time with chit-chat and acknowledge the fact that you’ve been neglecting her, but don’t declare anything yet. Otherwise, if she don’t accept, both of you meen jor-jor, cannot eat wan. Eat already also kena indigestion. Go for a movie or a walk, to try to rekindle that flame subtly in a more relaxed approach. Then after the stroke of midnight (Feb 14th) tell her how you feel about her and that you would like to bring your relationship with her to another level. See, this way, you beat your competitor to her heart and if she really feels the same, she would cancel her dinner plans with him.”…..as I was imparting some principles of Sun Tze Art of War stratagem. “Know your terrains, know your enemies. Half the battle is won.”

“Wah…ya hor. I think this plan can work leh”, Chin Han said beaming with confidence.

“Eh, don’t forget to kiss her leh”, I reminded. “but don’t raba-raba. Treat her with respect”.

All of us felt that this was the best “one last shot” strategy for him and he should go for it. After all, he has nothing to loose. He called and told her about the dinner plans and she accepted. We were happy for him as we felt that the first stage is already going as planned. The girls in the office even helped to pick out the gift wrap paper for the Valentine gift and helped in the nitty-gritty kay-poh stuff.

Come 13th, he happily took half day leave and drove to KL for the occasion. As Murphy’s Law would prevail Chin Han’s car broke down somewhere along the north-south highway. This farker got an important mission and he overlooked the health of his car! Niamah.!!! We knew he blew his chances already. Habis! Wan Yeen, Moe tuck gau! (Finish! Game Over! cannot help already)
Not only that he missed dinner, he arrived KL at 11.00 pm that night after repairing the car. What we heard after that was rather surprising. Lin Chin Hsia actually waited at home patiently for him and he showed up sweaty and greasy hands at her door. Earlier he had called to explain his situation and to cancel dinner. Nevertheless, she went out with him that night for supper and he did the needful. She accepted his proposal and we felt a resounding, triumphant success for our effort. It was truly elating. Perhaps, she saw the trouble he went thru’ to declare his love.

He has since resigned from our company to work in KL so that he could be close to her.
We wish him luck, for I know I have to let him go. The power of the pussy can put nations to war, remember? Thomas if you are reading this, you owe me a bottle of Cordon Bleu when your big day comes!!

One last thing, on Valentine’s Day a lot of buggers, bloggers like to host lovey-dovey love songs on their blogs. Me? Naw….just a word of advice, don’t go screwing your date/spouse 10 times as what this song is all about. Let it load and enjoy the lyrics.

As for those who don't have a date click here for some recommended activities.

To those who are madly in love, here's a word of advice. Don't be like the cantonese saying,
"Wai hai sei
Wai hai mong
wai hai chor kam fong!"

Translation: Die because of pussies
Busy because of a pussies
Go to jail because of a pussies

Have a good Valentine’s Day!

Yesterday, I had a meeting with the ‘See Hum’ company in Port Dickson. So I decided to make it a point to check out who this Ah Pek guy is and how he looks like. He has been a source of inspiration that got me blogging after reading his ever-entertaining entries after adding my 2 cents worth of salt & pepper in the comments every now and then. I told myself that I must meet ‘The Man’ speak to him, drink with him and dissect his train of thoughts and articulate his incredible poetic spontaneity.

Since its still Lunar New Year, it’s customary not to visit someone empty-handed and so I decided to bring along a carton of “Hak Gau Bear” for our hero. I had no difficulties spotting him upon arrival for he has a towkay look. He is also quite macho and not a strand of white hair can be spotted on this 50 yrs old frame. No wonder Helen and Lillian damn gatal with him. A brief introduction to his wife and I could sense her sighing; “Aiyah! Another crate of orkau for Ah Pek ah? Ngor maan-maan hak mai hoe mm tak han?”
Orkau as everyone knows, has aphrodisiac properties. Don’t believe me, go to Zara’s Mama blog and check out how Zara was conceived. As it was still working hours for him, we decided to have a quick teh tarik before meeting up later for dinner.

At 7pm he came over to my hotel to pick me up and we adjourned to the Port Dickson Yacht Club. Ah Pek is quite an influential figure in PD and has all the right connections. He even went to arrange a lion dance troupe to welcome my arrival! Waa….thank you! thank you. Don’t be humble lah…I know you planned all this lah. Otherwise how do you explain the lion dance when we were the only 2 chinamen amongst the hoards of Indian patrons at the club? Talk about first class hospitality. Fuyoh!

As we were dining and drinking, I picked up some good blogging tips and etiquettes from him including how to make money out of this activity, the definition of ‘Ping’ (shhh! I don’t know all these jargons back then) and the responsibility of what we write. Geez! And I suka-suka proclaimed that I am Ayah Pin’s Skykingdom member! Sekali I kena go Kamunting baru tahu. Of course, we also discussed about other familiar bloggers and trying to articulate their personality with their individuals writing styles.

Talking to the man, I also learnt that:
Ah Pek the techie: He builds his own computers from old discarded junk and add some RAMs, new motherboard, processor etc. and voila!!
He self-taught himself photoshoppe and tickering around with basic programming etc.-impressive hor?

Ah Pek the survivor: that he takes the good times with the bad, the ups and downs, the bitter with the sweet; this old sap in him is still full of 'never say die' fighting spirit.

Ah Pek the Ladies’ Man:
Waitress- “Ah Pek one more round of beer?”
Ah Pek- “Tak boleh la…nanti gua mabok ikut lu balik apa macam?”
Waitress- “Ah Pek bila-bila pun bolih ikut saya balik." *as she smiled sheepishly at him*
Ah Pek- “Ok lah ,ok lah one for the road.”

As we were walking out of the club, another 2 gorgeous looking chicks at the bar called out to him and hiao-hiao with him also. I thought he had this two chicks all planned out for me and I was anticipating a ‘sandwich’ that night, but I was wrong! They didn’t follow us. Niamah……damn anti-climax.
Oh yes, did I mention we exchange notes on our Thailand trips? Aww..never mind, next time.
And thanks for that nice PD Hash T-shirt. I wore that to sleep last night because the aircon was damn effing cold.

Thanks for the wonderful evening, Ah Pek!

The 3rd day of Lunar New Year was indeed an unlucky day for my youngest nephew, lil’ Luke. At 2, Luke is the youngest son of MOHA’s youngest sister and the youngest amongst all the nephews & nieces.
MOHA and I are very fond of this toddler and often volunteered to baby-sit him while his parents went on holidays.
The whole battalion of the 4 families were gathered at one of MOHA’s aunt’s house with the usual merry-making and mahjong.
I did not stay long because I usually can’t stand the din and for some reasons I don’t like crowded places (shopping centers on weekends included). So I left early to go to the gym.
At around 9.30 pm MOHA called my mobile informing me the Lil’ Luke has been warded at the emergency ward in Puteri specialist hospital with 2 deep gash wounds to his head. She would stay there to comfort her sis until Luke’s condition has stabilized.

Apparently, before the accident happened, another nephew Alex who is 14, was playing with him. Lil’ Luke had asked to be lifted up high as with all little kids normally like. Alex obliged without realizing that grand-aunt’s house has a low ceiling and the ceiling fan was right above him spinning at full speed because it was a hot day! Alex, the eldest son of MOHA’s third sister is an unusually tall and large lad for his age and he stood shoulder to shoulder with me at 6ft; so that adds to the reach!

What happened next was related to me by MOHA. They heard a loud pop and everyone stopped gambling and rushed out to the living room. Little Luke was bleeding profusely from the gash on his scalp and another ‘U-shaped’ gash on the forehead. Trickles of blood were also sprinkled around the room by the swirling fan. Lil’ Luke was probably too stunned to cry or too numbed to feel the pain but he was conscious. Alex’s father drove Luke and his parents to the nearest clinic for first aid treatment to stop the bleeding before adjourning to the hospital.
According to Luke’s dad, who was really traumatized by the whole incident, the ‘U-shaped’ piece of flesh on little Luke’s forehead could flip open and reveal part of his skull! Lil’ Luke eventually passed out on arrival at the hospital and was put in the emergency ward. Later that night, he underwent an x-ray scan to ensure that the skull is ok and wheeled to the ops theater for the cosmetic surgeons to stitch him up. The doctor said he could be discharged on the following day and recuperates at home.

Alex felt very bad and guilty about what happened to his little cousin and has been sobbing. I have to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault and it was an accident.
Went to visit little Luke yesterday and he seems his usual cheerful, playful self, and probably not aware of what happened to him although he would occasionally point to his head and say “pain-pain”.

While sitting in the living room, I noticed that bro-in-law’s ceiling fan was also quite low because of the renovated ‘dropped ceiling’ and the vane blades were of steel type. I told him to get that guillotine replaced soonest. I’ve installed ceiling fans with plastic vanes and another one at the dining area with wooden vanes many years ago. Perhaps, I’ve always have this phobia that if one day the fan should fall, at least I won’t be minced meat.

So, all you bloggers out there, please do not lift your kids high up in areas where low ceiling fans are present.