Nothing to Crow About

Last Tuesday, I made an appointment for my first colonoscopy. (Children, this is one of the perks of growing older). The doctor told me to be home early, skip dinner and drink a concoction of what-cha-ma-call-it salty solution and a packet of ‘magic cleanser’ mixed with a litre of water at 6pm, and I should finish the whole bottle by 8pm latest.

Wallowing in momentary self pity that I’ll be missing dinner, I decided to treat myself to a hearty nasi briani lunch. Truly satisfying…

By 5.45pm I was still in the office and knowing that I’ll be caught in the peak hour traffic, I decided to mix the concoction and drink it there hoping that by the time I reached home, the laxative would have taken effect. Downing the litre in about an hour while at crawling pace of the traffic wasn’t a problem. Big mistake! By 7.30 pm and still caught up in a slow crawl, I realized the asshole wasn’t going to cooperate. What happened over the next 5 minutes would have put Lewis Hamilton, Alonso or Schumacher driving skills to shame. I floored the accelerator overtaking everyone else on the road shoulder, zigzagging ala formula 1, knocking down cone markers and drawing finger gestures from irate road users while getting myself to the nearest petrol kiosk. As luck was on my side, the shit-house was unoccupied. The first wave of Tsunami was ‘heavenly’…ahh… all the solids were expelled from the bowel. That was about it and I happily continued my journey home….or so I thought. Holy macaroni! Just as I was about to pull out of the station, I felt the second wave building up and in a flash faster than Flash Gordon, I was back in that smelly crampy shithouse taking another dump. Trying to hold back and fumbling for the zip was an almost futile attempt. Geez! After that, I hurried home anticipating more after shocks.The 3^rd to 7^th bouts were much more comfortably discharged sitting on my custom-built, ‘contoured to my arse’ toilet seat.

It was quite an experience I must say. I never felt so clean inside out. In fact, I was humming ‘Singing In the Rain’ along with the bowel movements.

Wednesday, on arrival at the hospital, I was told to strip and put on a hospital gown tied in the back. I felt silly trying to figure out which side of the flap goes over which and after a while I gave up trying to tie the strings together.

Shortly thereafter, one of the 2 tending nurses instruct me to lie on my side…for the gala festivities were about to begin. Too bad there wasn’t any accompanying orchestra.

Usually, I would have been very embarrassed exposing myself to 3 strangers; a doc and 2 nurses, but then I realized I was the only one in the room who did not choose a life staring up on people’s arses! I can’t believe they actually went to school to do this! Hahaha! It must have been an elective subject! ROTFLMAO! And the 2 nurses, my guess would be they are condemn in their careers and hence, assigned to this department!

After sedation, I was told to count from 10 to 0. “Ahh..piece of cake”; I replied. “10, 9, 8, 7…….3,4,5……..zzzzzzzzzz”

When I woke up, I realized that I was no longer eligible for virgin sacrifice. *sob sob!* It was done and over. I never felt the intrusion or any discomfort. “Congratulations Mr Cocka! Everything looks fine!” said the doctor, as he handed me a clean bill of health and a bill of RM 1,029.50. He had the last laugh I supposed, for I was the one who paid a hefty price to get my arse poked.

# posted by Cocka Doodle @ 2:23 AM