Friday, October 05, 2007

 

My First Colonoscopy

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Last Tuesday, I made an appointment for my first colonoscopy. (Children, this is one of the perks of growing older). The doctor told me to be home early, skip dinner and drink a concoction of what-cha-ma-call-it salty solution and a packet of ‘magic cleanser’ mixed with a litre of water at 6pm, and I should finish the whole bottle by 8pm latest.

Wallowing in momentary self pity that I’ll be missing dinner, I decided to treat myself to a hearty nasi briani lunch. Truly satisfying…

By 5.45pm I was still in the office and knowing that I’ll be caught in the peak hour traffic, I decided to mix the concoction and drink it there hoping that by the time I reached home, the laxative would have taken effect. Downing the litre in about an hour while at crawling pace of the traffic wasn’t a problem. Big mistake! By 7.30 pm and still caught up in a slow crawl, I realized the asshole wasn’t going to cooperate. What happened over the next 5 minutes would have put Lewis Hamilton, Alonso or Schumacher driving skills to shame. I floored the accelerator overtaking everyone else on the road shoulder, zigzagging ala formula 1, knocking down cone markers and drawing finger gestures from irate road users while getting myself to the nearest petrol kiosk. As luck was on my side, the shit-house was unoccupied. The first wave of Tsunami was ‘heavenly’…ahh… all the solids were expelled from the bowel. That was about it and I happily continued my journey home….or so I thought. Holy macaroni! Just as I was about to pull out of the station, I felt the second wave building up and in a flash faster than Flash Gordon, I was back in that smelly crampy shithouse taking another dump. Trying to hold back and fumbling for the zip was an almost futile attempt. Geez! After that, I hurried home anticipating more after shocks.The 3rd to 7th bouts were much more comfortably discharged sitting on my custom-built, ‘contoured to my arse’ toilet seat.

It was quite an experience I must say. I never felt so clean inside out. In fact, I was humming ‘Singing In the Rain’ along with the bowel movements.

Wednesday, on arrival at the hospital, I was told to strip and put on a hospital gown tied in the back. I felt silly trying to figure out which side of the flap goes over which and after a while I gave up trying to tie the strings together.

Shortly thereafter, one of the 2 tending nurses instruct me to lie on my side…for the gala festivities were about to begin. Too bad there wasn’t any accompanying orchestra.

Usually, I would have been very embarrassed exposing myself to 3 strangers; a doc and 2 nurses, but then I realized I was the only one in the room who did not choose a life staring up on people’s arses! I can’t believe they actually went to school to do this! Hahaha! It must have been an elective subject! ROTFLMAO! And the 2 nurses, my guess would be they are condemn in their careers and hence, assigned to this department!

After sedation, I was told to count from 10 to 0. “Ahh..piece of cake”; I replied. “10, 9, 8, 7…….3,4,5……..zzzzzzzzzz”

When I woke up, I realized that I was no longer eligible for virgin sacrifice. *sob sob!* It was done and over. I never felt the intrusion or any discomfort. “Congratulations Mr Cocka! Everything looks fine!” said the doctor, as he handed me a clean bill of health and a bill of RM 1,029.50. He had the last laugh I supposed, for I was the one who paid a hefty price to get my arse poked.


Comments:
I was waiting for the punch line at the end, but I suppose I shouldn't laugh too much! *pinch*
 
yes, first thing we want to hear early in the morning, right after our breakfast, is your colonoscopy. shld hv gone into further details of what the video they gave u showed, all those things stuck on the walls of your intestines....*rolls eyes* the good news is....you can stick a banana in your a** and it won't hurt now, after the colonoscopy. as to why you'll want to do that, i have no idea. :-p
 
haha..what did u expect to find? gold nuggets? hehehehe
 
LB...I'm glad you are not the doctor. Otherwise, I would wake up to red butt cheeks!! LOL

Lenglui...Good idea! I'll send all those pictures to you. Hahahaha!!
Don't laugh...your turn will come. Eh..since its breast cancer awareness week, you could also share your experience on your boobs being flattened like a ham chin peng. LOL

Wuch...The miners!! I was expecting to find the gold miners! LOL
 
I never thought that pokeing backside can earn that much! Ok I will try to enroll in a pokeing school first! BTW most happy that after u lost ur verginity u r in clean health! Have a nice day!
 
thanks for the very descriptive story, loved the one where you had to rush for the toilet!

hmmmm... so the doc didn't find any gold up your hole? LOL!
 
Hi I am a new reader, I hope you do not mind that I had the "misfortune" of starting with this funny article...ROTL (I went through the same thing before so I know what I am laughing about)
 
Wah liao... my dear cocka, i wanna know what happened when you were zzzzz... no sakit arr?
 
u had the doctor up your arse!!!
 
oh..it didn't hurts...the rod is cooling ya?
 
No picture at all to share while you had the colonoscopy? ;)
 
Mmmm.. cocka's backside no more V liao..
 
u mean u din notice the bangla cleaner smirking at u when u leave the hospital?
 
so how do you feel ,rape by doctor?
WAKA ka ka ka ka ka ka ka

i know how you feel..
i oso rape by nursese and daoctor too you know
 
Poor Cocka !
so now when you sit down got pain anot ??
*wishing U a speedy recovery !! *
 
Horny orang utan...i think we better switch profession la, what ya think?
But if a lady was to come see us for colonoscopy, I'm afraid we'll be poking at the wrong hole hor? ...or in your case using the wrong tool. LOL


Ah May...you sadist la! Ppl suffer some more you enjoy that story! But, the shitting experience was nice. Everything also came out except for the intestines!


aureliazantia....woah! What a mouthful! Welcome to my blog.
Hahaha! welcome to the 'no more virgin in the back' club.

My dear angel....actually I don't know what happened when I was out cold.
The doctor & nurses could be having a field day staring up my hairy ass and trying out a game of marbles with my balls for all I know.

Ehon....Before they invented the scope, I think that's exactly what they did! Hahahha!! They send someone up there wearing a mining lamp helmet looking for diamond and gold. LOL

Leonard...rod ? what rod? I didn't feel a thing.
Oi! That doesn't mean I got a big arsehole hor!

Selba...colon pictures also you are interested ah? It's like a narrow cave with bats, cobwebs and snakes lurking in there lah. LOL

Chen....I bet you've performed hundreds of these procedures liao, right? Got stick your head in for a closer look anot? LOL

Sengjai...I thought I saw a bangla who had a strong resemblance of you.
Mm tung it was you in disguise?
You were cleaning up my shit ah? LOL

Pisang....welcome to the 'no more virgin in the backside' club.
We' decide to make a the club's el presidante!

dreamie....no pain la. Don't feel anything. You should try it! It's it's...*whisper* quite fun actually. Muahahahahah!!!
 
wah lan yeh!!! cocka kena pokkeddddddddd from behind!!! never had that feel before, but i've been poked from my mouth twice. feel nice being poked from behind??? *curious*
 
i mainly poke finger into others backside to do PR (per rectal) examinations lah.. (definitely with gloves on and pray hard the gloves won't break halfway). Bernard is the one who always put a scope into others backside ;)
 
Finally got all your shit cleaned out..
Song mou? LOL!
 
wah hefty bill to get de-virginized :P
 
i could have poked you for half that price. cheh.
 
congrats btw for clean bill of .. arse.
 
Hahahahahaha... oh.. you mean this is a true story-ah?? Like albie, I was waiting for the punchline... :D

Wahhh.. foursome wor!!

Thanks for sharing. Now we all know how soon the magic cleaner works and it should be taken in the comfort of one's home and throne..

So what's next? Haemorrhoid removal? :D
 
tarpliu-tarpliu Ho....Never kena before ah? Come, I poke you FOC. Hahaha!! Kena poked from mouth how? Got vomit anot? Tears came out?

Dr Jekyll....You poke ppl wearing gloves ah? What happens if you got long nails? Pity the patient! LOL
Mana Dr. Bernard? Let's hear from him shiok anot poking ppl and getting paid? Haha!

KW....Song! Very song! I strongly recommend it to you. LOL

Will....Come, i do you for free. ;P

Barney's cousin...Aiyoh! You got the tools meh? and don't you mention flute or oboe! ugggh!!

Kat....what Hemorrhoids? I was checking to ensure no miners are trapped in the mines. LOL
 
My mom also just had a colonoscopy last week, but she is not as lucky. She need to undergo an operation.
 
your arse kena sula hahahah
 
Khengsiong...sorry to hear about your mum. I'm sure she'll be fine after the ops. But the good news is that such annual checkup does gives an early warning to ailments like colon cancers which is one of the biggest killers.
Actually, I also had another one from the throat down to ensure my stomach is fine too.

Mudpie....Dun laff sampai whole blogsphere can hear you can anot?
 
hahahahaha... i am sure the massive clean up was good eh? hehehehehe....

good to know you're all well uncle.
 
Did he at least offer you a cigarette after violating you?

Good thing all is well in your bum.
 
waraoeh after a nice lunch i came to this! yucksss...eh safe meh to be sedated? sekali he poked something else inside ur eh hemmm..yerrrrrrr u know la maciam maciam olang ada..
 
You forget to mention the colour and the texture. LMAO!!!
 
So now you can take showers with guys and pick up a soap drop on the floor??...lol
 
Zewt..come! Let me do it on you..for free. Hehehe!! I'll use a shorter 'scope'.

Simple Yank...no, that bastard said; "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!" ....slammed the door and disappeared! LOL

Amah...Why not safe to be seated meh? There are 2 attending nurses wor.
The doc won't rape me lah...unless if he's a mangkali lor.

Titoki....LMAO! Yes, I still recall your shitty post. kekekeke!!
In my case, the color was like the klang river. The texture?? what texture?? watery lah!

9393... as long as no mangkalis among them. LOL
 
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