Friday, May 02, 2008

 

My First Humsap Magazine

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Back in the 70s, buying 2nd hand porn mags from mamak newsagents was one of the scariest things a young man had to go through. These days you internet-generation kids will never understand because you just have to download it. Back then it had to be precision planned, and executed to perfection.

When I was about 14, I grew tired of borrowing porn mag doing the rounds at school to finally reach me, and when it did, half the pages would be missing, and I didn't even want to think about all the gooey spermy fingerprints and pages stuck in between. Ewwww!! I always wanted my very own collection and didn't want to give it to anyone else afterwards. Here I would like to relate my very own experience the process of buying porn from a 2nd hand bookstore dealer:


GETTING SERVED:
It all started when I was visiting my cousins in Penang. I was a big lad, so acting like a 16-17 yr old was a good chance of getting served, but it was still a gamble. Speaking the street slang would’ve enhanced my chances to sound like a veteran. These techniques apply equally well to the purchase of ciggies and alcohol when one is under the legal purchasing age.

“Dey Mamak! Ada BAGUS mia magazine kah? Neh..itu lu simpan bawah lantai mia”

Yes, those days, to avoid raids by the authorities, mamak newsagents kept them under the wooden floor planks.

CHOICE OF MAMAK NEWSAGENT:
Perhaps this is the toughest choice in the operation. Familiar stores in the neighbourhood were out of the question for two main reasons: the storekeeper would probably know my uncle, the Ayer Itam’s Dam chief warden back then, or knowing him, he could have already sapu all the latest issues of Playboys & Penthouse. Hahaahhaha!!

Dodgy small corner-shop newsagents in the next neighbourhood were by far the better choice. They had a much wider selection of magazines and smaller customer traffic. So which shop to choose? Choose the one you couldn't be recognised, but within cycling distance. Don’t compromise on this due to sheer laziness, I tell you!

Neighbourhood kaypohs, your yi mah gu chehs can be a big problem. Often a complete stranger would stop me in the streets of Ayer Itam to say, "Hey, you're Cocka! I know your mum, aunt and uncle! I can see the family resemblance." Then the next day my aunt would say in hakka, "Oooh, so-and-so the sum gu loke por said she saw you wor..." As you can imagine, my paranoia over these kaypohs that threatened to destroy the entire operation. They could be anyone. They would know me and I would be completely unaware. Therefore, the mamak newsagent got to be completely empty of customers when I made my purchase.

RECCE AND TEST-RUNS:
First, visit the mamak newsagent several times and pretend to purchase other items, such as sweets or newspaper. This was valuable for checking out the following factors:

1.The layout of the shop where you could hide in a corner and take your sweet time to make your selection;

2. a quick assessment of the friendliness of the mamak; this is vital if you’re to befriend him to reserve the latest issues for you.

3. Customer traffic at different times of day, how often the shop is empty of customers.

MAMAK OR TANGKACHI AT THE COUNTER?
Obviously I would ABORT the operation if for some reasons the mamak has to tend to errands and left his wife or daughter to jaga the shop. Malu mah….


ACTION PLAN:
I would cycle to the newsagent on a weekday, around 3pm was the best timeslot, when everyone else is back at work after their lunch break. I would cruise past the mamak newsagent several times until a perfect timing when the shop is empty and no other customers are approaching. Then, I would park and lock my bicycle which was borrowed from my cousin, and walk in to greet the mamak. If any complications arise, press ABORT button. If it's tangkachi behind the counter, press ABORT button. If another customer enters, press ABORT button.

TRANSPORTATION OF MERCHANDISE:
After making your selection and paying, the mamak would usually wrap it in old newspapers, hence, drawing even greater attention to the mystery package.

I chose instead to bring my own bag. This comes handy for bulk purchases too. Besides, imagine what my aunt is going to ask if I went home with magazines wrapped in newspaper and rushing upstairs to my room to avoid detection. So obvious, right?


SURMOUNTING MY FEAR:
Fear is a terrible thing of the mind. It threatened to destroy all my efforts. Fear was the cause of several aborted attempts. I had to convince myself that my fear was illogical.

I challenged myself with several logical arguments:
"The mamak newsagent wants to sell you porn. That's why they have it for sale. Why would they make you feel uncomfortable about buying it and admiring women’s anatomy? These are beautiful creation of the Maker and tastefully captured on camera. These small mamak businesses need to sell porn to stay afloat, to feed their families and my patronage helps alleviate their livelihood. And hey, everyone has sexual needs and I’m only normal.”


CONCLUSION:
It got easier as time went by. I also became a pro when negotiating for best purchase prices and resale values. Thanks to my cousins, I even got access to my uncle’s hidden cache of past issues, special edition etc. Over the years, I only kept those collectors’s edition featuring celebrities like Madonna, Princess Fergie and the Australian women soccer team . Thank God for the internet that these teenage adventures are now made redundant although it’s still applicable to the purchase of humsap DVDs.

Enjoy the song. I’m certain that most of you humsap lous can identify with the chorus. Hahahaa!!

Dear Penthouse: By Rodney Carrington


Dear Penthouse: I’m a freshman at a small Midwestern university
And I never thought something like this could happen to me
When my teacher with the dynamite ass,
asked me to stay after class

And she started to undress
I can’t forget the statement she made
If you drop your pants I’ll raise your grade


(Girl) Dear Penthouse: I never thought those letters were really true until
I was on a fishing trip and I met a girl named Jill
We had a little too much to drink
I couldn’t believe what I was starting to think

So we headed to her tent, there’s nothing like eating out
Though the next morning my breath still smelt like trout

Chorus:
Read every issue since 1974
The first two years behind the bathroom door
I poured through every Penthouse I could find
Even though my mom said I’d go blind



Dear Penthouse: I’m a seaman first class at an overseas naval base
It’s been seven long months since I’ve seen a woman’s face
When I saw your recent issue,
I took a box of Kleenex tissue
And I locked the barracks door
Thanks to you I’ve gotten a grip,
please excuse my jerky penmanship

Chorus

Dear Penthouse: Doing sports on the radio has always been my job
I’ve never wanted a man until I noticed BOB
When we’re close I start to perspire
His little buns set my loins on fire
And I dream about the day he’ll say, “Chick” lets get undressed
Name and address were held upon request


Comments:
Wah... you are like a terrorist. Survey the target well before action...

I thought mamaks are pious Muslims who hate this kind of stuff?
 
Wat an experience U had.... Heheheheh.. Was enjoying reading how U go and terrorist the mamak.....
 
why you didnt go to other side of ayer itam to buy?
 
wah wah... now i want to see if LB used the same 'tactics'!
 
Khengsiong...Yeah they hate porn so much that they have to sell 'em off! Hahaha!!
And I'm buying off them to help them gain points in the afterlife! LOL

Wennnn...Ya lor.Those days have to 'tao-tao mor mor' to buy porn.
Nowadays also tao tao mor mor to buy humsap dvd. Hahhaa! Things have not changed much.

Pisang...That was the other side la. What other side summore? Butterworth ah? Must take ferry you know last time.

My dearest Angeles...LB owns the shop! Muahahahahaha!!! Does mail orders and home deliveries! LOL
 
I Limember at around dat same age, 14 year old lidat, going to secondhand book stores to look for text books and eberitime i ask the mamak, "ada text book kah" he will bling out sex books!! ^-^
 
Princess Fergie?? Prince Andrew's wife?? Or from Black Eye Peas??

At first I thot you were going to write about your first humsap encounter.. !!

I am so surprised your blog isn't banned like linpeh's one!! Hahahahaha..
 
even secret military operations not as detailed in planning as yours! u went into the wrong field, u had a bright future in kgb or cia.
 
wah lau yeh cocka, got plan somemore wan!!! steady lah... i still remember the first time i went to look for this "book", i kena halau out from the shop cause been choosing for a blady damn long time!!! wakakakaka!!!

salute sama lu lah cocka!!!
 
Kopi soh...ROTFLMAO!! Sex book, text book..how they rhyme. Haahahaha! But let me guess, you also sapu the sex books, right?
When I was in school, I used to pass those mags to my female classmates for safekeeping whenever we get 'wind' that there'll be a raid by disciplinary master. That's the good thing about co-ed schools...and the don't usually check the girls.

Kat...Yeah, Prince Andrew's wife pictures caught by paparazzi topless and frolicking with her Texan boyfriend.
Of course my blog won't kena ban like Linpeh's wan. His super-duper humsap. Mine is more 'refine'. LOL
My humsap experience ah? You tell me yours, I tell you mine, want?

Lenglui...Hahahaa!! What about MI5 or the Mossad? They pay better I heard. Imagine using this as my resume in the interview. LOL

Tarpliew2 Ho...You were wanking in the bookshop, right? Thats why you took so long! Hahahaha!!
 
Dammit, now you've exposed every tactic we used!!... but then again, I suppose it's alright since they're all out of date these days..

By the way, long time you haven't been round to my 'shop', my man. Apa jadi? Kuku fell off? Came out of the closet? Sorry I don't have those in stock, but you can always 'special order'.. Anytime. Bulk discount as well.
 
He! He! Over here no mamak store! I bought at book store! I say my 'uncle' want it! I will look for the towkey! No towkey no buy! Sale girl very talkative wan!
 
remind me of old days whre porn video being distribute amongs frens and kept on hoping there no raid if not big trouble...LOL
 
psst.. want to open dvd shop or not? i saw one empty shop at sim lim. kekekeke
 
what! you so many planning to buy porn magazine one ah..

the first pages of porn magazine was shown to me by my tutor..i tot got only show top but when i see those between the legs... i was so amazed!!!

anyway, those were history, who read porn magazine nowadays??
 
LB...I want the home videos of you and that italian model! Faitit! Don't want those pro ones...want something amateur-ish! Hahaha!

Horny Orang Utan...Which part of bolehland are you at ah? No mamak store?
You should say 'my little brother' want to see. Hahahahahah!!

Ah Nel...Your generation is so lucky! watch dvd summore! digitized image! Waaah! I jeles liao.
Back in my days, I have to learn how to operate my father's 8mm film projector to watch borrowed porn reels!
Summore gotta make own sound effects! Hahahahahahaha!!

Barney's cuzz...Come come! We open shop. I got supply network from JB. You establish the distribution network, ok? We open branch in Geylang also.

Leonard...Your tutor was a man or woman? Waaah! See humsap mag also your parents get you tutor ah? Muahahahahahaha!!!
You singapoleans are so spoilt rotten! We have to figure out the anatomy in the picture ourselves! Muahahahaa!!
 
Internet got kah? Where? Where? LOL!!!...U got dvd, can borrow or not??? Better still, u poslaju to me lah!!! What for u see so many times??? Oso same what!!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!!

P.S. Didn't they appoint u as sole distributor of those mags in ur school???
 
cocka, with your huge collection over the years, i'm sure you can start your very own 2nd hand porn mags store now...hehehee
Moon
 
reminds me of the porn vcd sellers back in Desa Setapak

anyway, i think Cocka can do charity. Send them over to my house
 
No naked sexy woman in the world can arouse a man with severe erectile dysfunction. Totally limp. Can't get erection anymore. That doesn't mean men with ED cannot be hum sup though.
 
bruder don't shy shy, after bring back home NORMALly TFK how many times???
 
STP...Don't pretend you dunno how to download them fm the internet lah. I'm pretty sure your students would have taught you that by now and you're giving tuition on how to avoid detection! Hahahaha!!
Sole distributor in school? Naw...that would be silly. What happens if I get caught? The whole distribution channel would have been cut off, right?
Have multiple channels, that's the key!

Moon...you got any stars you would like to find out whether they got real or fake boobs, just let me know. Hahaha!!

Frostier...You want so many porn mag for what? TFK ah? LOL Afturds you go blind baru tau!

Mockingbird...Long time no see! Are you talking about yourself ah, the ED? Oh boy...I empathize with you.
Have you tried seeking help? Or perhaps, you could be attracted to the same sex who knows? LOL

9393...Bruder, I not shy. Sure got wank but forgotten how many times liao. Hahahahha!!!
Those who tell me they didn't wank are either liars or gays.
 
Oh? Gays don't wank, izzit? Umm...come to Cocka, u learn a new thing every day!! Hahahahahahaha!!!!
 
STP...Aisey...you are right, just checked with some gay friends. They DO wank. Eh? How come you know ah? *raise eyebrows*
 
video tape lar...whre got so nice dvd...LOL
 
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