Nothing to Crow About

Cherie, my ‘sei paat por’ neighbour saw us and was so 9 upset that she came over and tiu 9 me. “You lazy bastard!! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that blardy ancient lawn mower around. Get off your arse and give her a break lah.” She yelled.

I thought; “Niamah..sei paat por” and took another swig from my can , licked the froth from my lips, belch loudly, stared directly at this nosey bitch and said; “Piss off and mind your own husband lah. My wife has green fingers wat…she enjoys gardening wat…kenot meh? Tiu!”

After a few days, I felt really bad so I went out and picked up a really good deal on a ‘ride-on mower’ which I bought her…just to show how much I larp her. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my 'loe por' can now sit down while mowing the lawn.

Yes, guys. Afterall, we should really take good care of our missus….that way, they’ll take good care of us.

I have attached a picture below…

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I do worry though that maybe I’m getting too soft on her, and next thing she’ll be demanding for 10-speed gear on it!

# posted by Cocka Doodle @ 2:02 AM 59 Comments

*Ah Beng looking blurred puzzled*

Ah Beng: “I can get elected?”

Father: “Of course not. Not now anyway. You’ll need to study very hard and serve the community before you are eligible”

Ah Beng: “But I oredi got elected jor”

Father: “In your Boys Scout movement? Well done my son!”

Ah Beng: “No, no… not in the scouts. Just now in the car show”

Father: “huh?

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# posted by Cocka Doodle @ 12:36 AM 284 Comments

Ah Beng: “Wei? Hetch-Pee tack sappot ah?“

HP: “Good afternoon, sir. Yes, this is tech support and how may I help?”

Ah Beng: “My plinter no working”

HP: “What’s wrong with it?”

Ah Beng: “Mouse jammed jor”

HP: “Err...the USB cable of the mouse should be connected to your computer's USB slot and not to the printer.”

Ah Beng: “Aiyah!! Mouse jammed jor lah!!”

HP: “How is that related to the printer?”

Ah Beng: “Wait! Wait…I take peetchure and e-meow you”

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# posted by Cocka Doodle @ 3:32 PM 22 Comments

Back in the 70s, buying 2^nd hand porn mags from mamak newsagents was one of the scariest things a young man had to go through. These days you internet-generation kids will never understand because you just have to download it. Back then it had to be precision planned, and executed to perfection.

When I was about 14, I grew tired of borrowing porn mag doing the rounds at school to finally reach me, and when it did, half the pages would be missing, and I didn't even want to think about all the gooey spermy fingerprints and pages stuck in between. Ewwww!! I always wanted my very own collection and didn't want to give it to anyone else afterwards. Here I would like to relate my very own experience the process of buying porn from a 2^nd hand bookstore dealer:


GETTING SERVED:
It all started when I was visiting my cousins in Penang. I was a big lad, so acting like a 16-17 yr old was a good chance of getting served, but it was still a gamble. Speaking the street slang would’ve enhanced my chances to sound like a veteran. These techniques apply equally well to the purchase of ciggies and alcohol when one is under the legal purchasing age.

“Dey Mamak! Ada BAGUS mia magazine kah? Neh..itu lu simpan bawah lantai mia”

Yes, those days, to avoid raids by the authorities, mamak newsagents kept them under the wooden floor planks.

CHOICE OF MAMAK NEWSAGENT:
Perhaps this is the toughest choice in the operation. Familiar stores in the neighbourhood were out of the question for two main reasons: the storekeeper would probably know my uncle, the Ayer Itam’s Dam chief warden back then, or knowing him, he could have already sapu all the latest issues of Playboys & Penthouse. Hahaahhaha!!

Dodgy small corner-shop newsagents in the next neighbourhood were by far the better choice. They had a much wider selection of magazines and smaller customer traffic. So which shop to choose? Choose the one you couldn't be recognised, but within cycling distance. Don’t compromise on this due to sheer laziness, I tell you!

Neighbourhood kaypohs, your yi mah gu chehs can be a big problem. Often a complete stranger would stop me in the streets of Ayer Itam to say, "Hey, you're Cocka! I know your mum, aunt and uncle! I can see the family resemblance." Then the next day my aunt would say in hakka, "Oooh, so-and-so the sum gu loke por said she saw you wor..." As you can imagine, my paranoia over these kaypohs that threatened to destroy the entire operation. They could be anyone. They would know me and I would be completely unaware. Therefore, the mamak newsagent got to be completely empty of customers when I made my purchase.

RECCE AND TEST-RUNS:
First, visit the mamak newsagent several times and pretend to purchase other items, such as sweets or newspaper. This was valuable for checking out the following factors:

1.The layout of the shop where you could hide in a corner and take your sweet time to make your selection;

2. a quick assessment of the friendliness of the mamak; this is vital if you’re to befriend him to reserve the latest issues for you.

3. Customer traffic at different times of day, how often the shop is empty of customers.

MAMAK OR TANGKACHI AT THE COUNTER?
Obviously I would ABORT the operation if for some reasons the mamak has to tend to errands and left his wife or daughter to jaga the shop. Malu mah….

ACTION PLAN:
I would cycle to the newsagent on a weekday, around 3pm was the best timeslot, when everyone else is back at work after their lunch break. I would cruise past the mamak newsagent several times until a perfect timing when the shop is empty and no other customers are approaching. Then, I would park and lock my bicycle which was borrowed from my cousin, and walk in to greet the mamak. If any complications arise, press ABORT button. If it's tangkachi behind the counter, press ABORT button. If another customer enters, press ABORT button.

TRANSPORTATION OF MERCHANDISE:
After making your selection and paying, the mamak would usually wrap it in old newspapers, hence, drawing even greater attention to the mystery package.

I chose instead to bring my own bag. This comes handy for bulk purchases too. Besides, imagine what my aunt is going to ask if I went home with magazines wrapped in newspaper and rushing upstairs to my room to avoid detection. So obvious, right?

SURMOUNTING MY FEAR:
Fear is a terrible thing of the mind. It threatened to destroy all my efforts. Fear was the cause of several aborted attempts. I had to convince myself that my fear was illogical.

I challenged myself with several logical arguments:
"The mamak newsagent wants to sell you porn. That's why they have it for sale. Why would they make you feel uncomfortable about buying it and admiring women’s anatomy? These are beautiful creation of the Maker and tastefully captured on camera. These small mamak businesses need to sell porn to stay afloat, to feed their families and my patronage helps alleviate their livelihood. And hey, everyone has sexual needs and I’m only normal.”

CONCLUSION:
It got easier as time went by. I also became a pro when negotiating for best purchase prices and resale values. Thanks to my cousins, I even got access to my uncle’s hidden cache of past issues, special edition etc. Over the years, I only kept those collectors’s edition featuring celebrities like Madonna, Princess Fergie and the Australian women soccer team . Thank God for the internet that these teenage adventures are now made redundant although it’s still applicable to the purchase of humsap DVDs.

Enjoy the song. I’m certain that most of you humsap lous can identify with the chorus. Hahahaa!!

Dear Penthouse: By Rodney Carrington

Dear Penthouse: I’m a freshman at a small Midwestern university
And I never thought something like this could happen to me
When my teacher with the dynamite ass,
asked me to stay after class
And she started to undress
I can’t forget the statement she made
If you drop your pants I’ll raise your grade

(Girl) Dear Penthouse: I never thought those letters were really true until
I was on a fishing trip and I met a girl named Jill
We had a little too much to drink
I couldn’t believe what I was starting to think
So we headed to her tent, there’s nothing like eating out
Though the next morning my breath still smelt like trout

Chorus:
Read every issue since 1974
The first two years behind the bathroom door
I poured through every Penthouse I could find
Even though my mom said I’d go blind

Dear Penthouse: I’m a seaman first class at an overseas naval base
It’s been seven long months since I’ve seen a woman’s face
When I saw your recent issue,
I took a box of Kleenex tissue
And I locked the barracks door
Thanks to you I’ve gotten a grip,
please excuse my jerky penmanship

Chorus

Dear Penthouse: Doing sports on the radio has always been my job
I’ve never wanted a man until I noticed BOB
When we’re close I start to perspire
His little buns set my loins on fire
And I dream about the day he’ll say, “Chick” lets get undressed
Name and address were held upon request

# posted by Cocka Doodle @ 4:53 PM 22 Comments

Most men will get this right!

Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:


(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or


(b) Do you break the law and pass?



Which is the correct choice? Scroll down ............

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A: Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?

# posted by Cocka Doodle @ 1:51 AM 21 Comments